Adoption Myths (and the truths)

Information from this article was gathered from the The National Center for Health Statistics.

Some misconceptions about adoption trouble prospective birth parents and adoptive families. For instance, adoptive parents may wonder if they will love an adopted child as much as a biological child; birth parents may worry that their child will have ill feelings toward them. Outside the adoption community, little has been done to change these perceptions.

However, the U.S. Department of Health released adoption statistics from a 2007 National Survey of Adoptive Parents. The evidence refutes common misconceptions about adoption, as the adoption statistics prove many widespread misconceptions are false.

There is no doubt in my mind that adopted children are actually loved as much or more than biological children. Obviously, there are cases where this is not accurate. However, the amount of paperwork and money and requirements that adoptive families must adhere to truly weeds out people who are not serious about what they are doing. Take some of these stats to heart:

• Nearly 3 of every 4 adopted children ages 0-5 are read or sung to everyday, while only half of non-adopted children receive the same attention from their biological parents.
• Well more than half of all adopted children eat dinner with their families at least six days per week.
• Adoption statistics show that more than 90 percent of adopted children ages 5 and older have positive feelings about their adoption.
• Today, 100 percent of birth mothers choose the amount of openness in the adoption and select a family that meets her request. Thus, 67 percent of private adoptions today have pre-adoption agreements for a semi-open or open adoption.
• But the adoption world has changed: today, 99 percent of adopted children ages 5 and older know that they were adopted.
• In truth, 85 percent of adopted children are rated to have “excellent” or “very good” health while 82 percent of non-adopted children have the same rating, according to

Misconception: “Will the adopted child be loved as much as a biological child?”

Adoptive families and birth parents may share this concern before the adoption. Fears of the adoptive family not loving an adopted child are eliminated as soon as they first lay eyes on their baby in nearly every adoption.

Look at how adoptive parents interact with adopted children: nearly 3 of every 4 adopted children ages 0-5 are read or sung to everyday, while only half of non-adopted children receive the same attention from their biological parents. Furthermore, well more than half of all adopted children eat dinner with their families at least six days per week.

At first glance, these adoption statistics may not seem important, but they show how adoptive parents cherish the time they have with their children. They appreciate the opportunity to be a parent every day.

Couples with infertility have an astounding appreciation for parenthood. Adoption grants their dreams of raising a child, and their love shows in the little things like reading before bed.

The study says that 9 out of every 10 adoptive couples said the relationship they share with their adopted child is “very close.” Nearly half said that the relationship is “better than expected.” More than 9 of every 10 adoptive parents said they would “definitely” make the same decision to adopt.

Misconception: “My child will hate me because I placed him or her for adoption.”

This concern is perpetuated by the media and people with no adoption experience. A family member or friend may not agree with a pregnant woman’s desire to place her child for adoption and may say that the child will hate her if she does so. Some TV shows and movies have unjustly portrayed adoptees this way as well.

The adoption statistics show that more than 90 percent of adopted children ages 5 and older have positive feelings about their adoption.

Misconception: “Once I place my baby for adoption, I will never see her again.”

At one time, this was reality. It was thought that the adoption process was easier for everyone if the birth mother went on with her life not knowing anything about her child. However, the past several decades have changed openness in adoption.

Now most adoption professionals agree that a semi-open adoption – in which pictures and letters are exchanged through adoption professional mediation after the adoption – creates healthy relationships. Many adoptions are even more open. Keeping some contact with the adoptive family gives the birth mother peace of mind that she made the right decision.

Today, 100 percent of birth mothers choose the amount of openness in the adoption and select a family that meets her request. Thus, 67 percent of private adoptions today have pre-adoption agreements for a semi-open or open adoption.

Misconception: “My child won’t know that she was adopted.”

In the past, adoption was very “hush-hush.” A birth mother wouldn’t tell anyone she was pregnant. In some situations, she even moved elsewhere to have the baby and place him or her for adoption. Meanwhile, adoptive parents often didn’t tell their child that he or she was adopted.

But the adoption world has changed: today, 99 percent of adopted children ages 5 and older know that they were adopted.

More Adoption Statistics About Birth Mothers*

• Women who place a child for adoption have higher educational aspirations, are more likely to finish school and are less likely to live in poverty or receive public assistance than mothers who keep their children.
• Women who place a child delay marriage longer, are more likely to eventually marry and are less likely to divorce.
• Women who place a child are more likely to be employed 12 months after the birth and less likely to repeat out-of-wedlock pregnancy.
• Women who place a child are no more likely to suffer negative psychological consequences, such as depression, than are mothers who rear children as single parents.

Misconception: “Adopted children are not as healthy as non-adopted children.”

This misconception stems from inaccurate stereotypes of birth mothers. Some worry that a birth mother won’t take care of herself during pregnancy if she is placing the baby for adoption and wonder if the child will grow up with poor health.

In truth, 85 percent of adopted children are rated to have “excellent” or “very good” health while 82 percent of non-adopted children have the same rating.

Misconception: “Adoption agencies withhold relevant medical information about the adoption, birthmother and child.”

State adoption facilities once thought it better to withhold medical records. They thought that the child would have a better chance of being adopted if medical records were withheld, but this practice did more harm than good.

After lawsuits and a shift in perception, state governments, private agencies and many state laws and regulations now mandate that all known medical information be disclosed to the adoptive family. This information is extremely important for an adoptive family to watch for health concerns in the adopted child.

Other General Adoption Statistics

• In 2007, 38 percent of children adopted in the U.S. were adopted through private domestic adoption, 37 percent were adopted through foster care and 25 percent were adopted internationally.
• 62 percent of children adopted privately are placed with the adoptive family when they are newborns or less than one year old.
• Roughly a fifth of private adoptions are transracial.
• 88 percent of adoptive parents describe themselves as a “happy” couple, while 83 percent of non-adoptive parents describe themselves as a “happy” couple.
• While stats vary, generally , more than 95 percent of adoptive families have a high school education, and more than 90 percent have a bachelor’s degree. Nationally, adoptive parents have high school and/or secondary education in 79 percent of private domestic adoptions.
• Adopted children ages 6-11 are just as likely to read leisurely as non-adopted children.
• 85 percent of privately adopted children ages 6-17 engage in extracurricular activities.
• Many agencies report 100 percent of children in their agency are placed in two-parent homes, obviously higher than societal norms.
• Adopted children are more likely to live in neighborhoods that are safe, that have amenities and that are in good physical condition than are non-adopted children.

Growing Up Adopted: A Look at Health, Happiness of Adopted Children

All information (except for "More general adoption statistics on the birth mother") is taken from the U.S. Department of Health’s 2007 National Survey of Adoptive Parents (NSAP): (http://aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/09/NSAP/chartbook/chartbook.cfm?id=1)

*Source: McLaughlin SD, Manninen DL, Winges LD, Do Adolescents Who Relinquish Their Children Fare Better or Worse Than Those Who Raise Them? Family Planning Perspectives, 20:1 (Jan. - Feb. 1998), pp. 25-32

Secret Daughter: A Novel

Secret Daughter: A Novel

She slips into the hallway, but rather than stopping at the bathroom, she keeps walking right through the front door, getting tangled in the blue balloons as she runs past them and down the driveway. She sits down on the street curb. She cannot face it all again. She can’t go through the baby food tasting contest, or the “guess how big Gabi’s tummy is” game. She can’t watch every one oohing and ahhing over each darling little outfit. She can’t listen to the women discussing stretch marks and labor pains as rites of passage. Everyone acts as if being a woman and a mother are inextricably intertwined. A fair assumption, since she made it herself. Only now does she know it’s an enormous lie.

And then Somer realizes that there has been a line drawn. For her, it was the miscarriage that she had suffered. A moment where she and her husband Krishnan had realized that life may not play the way they thought it would.

Now, sitting alone on a suburban sidewalk instead of drinking blue punch, Somer knows that day, three years ago, has become the dividing line of her life. Before that miscarriage, she remembers being happy – with her work, the house with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge, the friends they saw on weekends. It seemed enough. But since that day, she has felt as if something is missing, something so immense and powerful that it overwhelms everything else. With each passing year and every negative pregnancy test, that void in their lives has grown until it has become an unwelcome member of their family, wedging itself between her and Krishnan.

Sometimes she wishes she could return to the naïve happiness of their earlier life. But mostly, she aches to go forward, to a place her body doesn’t seem willing to take her.

I was a huge fan of this book. The infertility and adoption mixed with cultural aspects of life abroad (India) kept me reading cover-to-cover. If you are dealing with intense infertility, this might be a bit too painful for you to deal with right now.

Beginner's Adoption Guide

Since "relocating" to Ramstein, I have gotten into two separate conversations (at the playground of all places) about adoption. I am very careful, now that Isaac is three, not to bring up his adoption when he is near. Not that he doesn't or won't know he is adopted. But because I don't want him to hear, repeatedly, "Yes. They are very close in age. It's because one is adopted and one is biological." JB and I just don't think that is healthy fodder for such a little guy. We want discussion of his adoption to be something he chooses to discuss.

But as he wanders away, I will often be more upfront with the conversation and questions. I want people to be able to ask me about infertility. Those five years that we spent in the pits of despair are part of the woman and mom I have become. I want people to be able to ask me about adoption. I want to help point them in the right direction and share the cold, hard truth: there is NO difference between a biological and adopted child. I consider myself an advocate about both topics, but I do believe that the miracle of adoption is where my heart is currently truly residing.

But the truth is, while infertility and adoption are my two "causes", they are not related issues. They are different. They are unique.

It's important to remember that adoption is not a "cure" for infertility. Sarah Kelly, an adoptive mom and freelance writer living in New York said it better than I ever could. "... I made sure I wasn't using adoption as a replacement for having a biological child. Adoption is separate from infertility. It isn't the answer. In fact, the only aspect the unite the two in my mind is the common desired result: to be a parent. Which is why you cannot tell someone to 'just adopt.' As if there were anything 'just' about it. It's not like, 'Hmm, what should I do today? Oh, I know! I'd love to fill out 500 government forms! ... The complicated process aside, before making a new map for your life and choosing to adopt, you need to go as far as you feel comfortable going with treatment, mourn not being pregnant, and say goodbye to the future you assumed you'd have. While I'd love to say to my friend, 'I know how much you're hurting,' and 'Yes! there is light at the end of the tunnel if you adopt," I believe that we need to exhaust all hope until, well, until it exhausts us."

I have been contemplating creating some sort of "brochure" for adoption questions, resources, and information. I hear the same questions so often and often wish I just had something I could whip out of the diaper bag and share with people. Or at least something I could email them when our time at the park is through.

So here is my rough draft of adoption questions in as concise a format as I can muster. (The following information was obtained from The Adoption Guide 2011.)

How much does adoption cost?

• The majority of domestic newborn adoptions cost between $20,000 and $35,000.
• International adoptions average more than $25,000.
• U.S. foster adoption is the least expensive adoption route, by a significant margin, with an average cost of less than $5,000. (During 2009, 57,000 children were adopted from the foster care system. An all-time high.) There are currently 115,000 children waiting to be adopted in the foster care system. Most people have grave concerns about adopting these "troubled" children. The Adoption Guide 2011 has a whole section addressing concerns of people contemplating this option.
• 35 percent of domestic adopters had at least one "false start," in which adoptive parents worked with one or more birthmothers before a match that succeeded. The majority (71%) of "false starts" cost less than $5,000.

How can I afford to adopt?

• Thank you to President Obama for continuing with the tax relief bill brought in under George W. Bush. The bill is now good through the end of 2012 and provides families who adopt a maximum of $13,360 in tax reimbursement. This means just what it says. If you spend $15,000 on an adoption, you will receive all but $1,640 in reimbursement. (Please visit this link to help make this a permanent inclusion in our country's tax laws.)
• Many states have state tax credits for adoptive families. Contact your state adoption unit for more information.
• Children with special needs may be eligible for reimbursement of adoption-related expenses. Click here for more information.
• Families who adopt from the public system might be eligible for reimbursement of adoption-related expenses. Find out more here.
• Military families are eligible for a $2,000 reimbursement for adoption expenses. Read more here.
• Some employers offer a reimbursement program. You can lobby your employer for reimbursements. In addition, here is a guide to adoption-friendly work environments.
• You can get loans to finance your adoption. Some are no-interest.
• Some adoption agencies and organizations offer grants and low-interest loans.

What are the different "types" of adoptions?

• Adopting a domestic infant via an adoption agency. These adoptions can be closed (no contact with birth family), semi-open (some contact), or open (unlimited contact). Our adoption with Isaac's birth family is completely open being as we knew the family beforehand.
• Adopting an infant privately. You locate the birthmom privately, usually with the help of a lawyer. Of the estimated 25,000 to 30,000 annual domestic newborn adoptions, at least half are done independently, without an agency. (This is how we adopted Isaac.) These adoptions can be closed, semi-open, or open.
• Adopting internationally. These adoptions are nearly always closed adoptions as usually, the child is orphaned or abandoned prior to adoption.
• Adopting from foster care.
• Check out page 12 of this document for a flow chart to help you make this decision
• Click here to take an online quiz to see what kind of adoption is right for you.
• Embryo adoption is another "form" of adoption even though it is not included in the above guides. It is often put into the ART (assisted reproductive technologies) side of things, but it does parallel both worlds.

How long will it take?

• Every adoption is very different. If you are adopting domestically, once you get on the waiting list with an agency or lawyer, adoption lengths can varry from days (really!) to years.
• With international adoptions, every country is different. Usually, when you begin the adoption process, you are given a pretty good idea of how long the adoption through that particular country and with that particular agency will take. However, changes can still occur in the wait time.

Are there special requirements that I must meet to adopt?

• There usually are requirements both with international and domestic adoptions. However, while you may not requirements for one agency or one country, it is unlikely that you will be unable to find an agency or country that will be a fit with you.
• For instance, some agencies require you to be married. Some allow singles to adopt. Other requirements can include: financial, mental, and physical stipulations. Again, do not let one agency or country turning you down dampen your spirits. I have yet to hear of someone who wanted to adopt not finding a country/agency that fit them.

What if the birth mother or father change their mind?

• One of the many fears some couples have when considering adoption is that the birth parents will change their minds and back out of the adoption. This fear is often perpetuated by television movies and dramatized news stories, further heightening this fear that can often lead couples away from the adoption decision. In domestic adoption, there is always a chance that the birth parents could change their minds. However, adoption law is clear; once the adoption is finalized, the child is recognized as the adoptive family's child by law. Although there have been a few highly publicized adoption cases in which the adoption was overturned after being finalized, the truth is that these cases were fraught with errors and legal missteps, making them invalid. These cases are rare and are exceptions. In the majority of adoptions finalized today, the birth parents have no rights to the child once the adoption is finalized.
• The time in which a birth parent may change their mind varies from state to state. In all cases, the birth parents are free to change their minds at any time prior to the birth of the child. This is a risk that couples in a domestic adoption do face. Once the baby is born and the birth parents sign their consent to the adoption, they may have a certain time frame in which they may revoke their consent. This time frame varies in each state. While some states consider the consent irrevocable upon signing, others give the birth parents a set number of days in which they may revoke their consent. Some states even require the birth parents to appear before a judge to give their consent to the adoption.(http://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/article_view/article_id/3619)
• International adoption works completely differently as the child is available for adoption once the parents' rights have already been revoked. In addition, many of the children in the adoptive system internationally are oprhaned or abandoned.

Will I love the child the same?

• Being as I am a parent via womb and via adoption, I feel I have more "right" to speak ont this particular topic. I wrote a post on the process of bonding and how, for me, it was no different with either newborn I brought into my home.
• I love this quote: "Perhaps an adoptive parent faces sooner what every parent must face eventually: Our children are not ours; they belong to themselves. What will keep them visiting us joyfully when they are grown is the quality of our relationship, not biology." -- Judy Rader
• A family is defined as: "two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and rseide usually in the same dwelling place."

I will end by showing you two videos. One is a video I took just yesterday. The other was one I took over a year ago. Both show the same things. They show my two little boys playing. Laughing. Silly. They show my family. If you didn't know me personally, could you tell me which one of the children is adopted? Which one seems less adjusted or like they don't fit in? Which one brings me more or less joy? Adoption results in being a parent. Pregnancy results in the same thing.





Help me out readers! What else would you like to see on this guide?

Our Adoption Story Featured!

November is "National Adoption Month." And more specifically, November 17th is "National Adoption Day." I'll be having tons more on this during the month, but today, I wanted to share with you my excitement that the story of our own adoption has been featured on the national organization's website. Click here to read the story for yourself. (Please note that when I posted this, our story was at the top, but I don't believe it will stay there. So you may have to scroll down and look for: We Believe in Adoption."

Stacy's Story

Stacy,

like me,

waited longer than she had planned.

And God,

blessed her,

like me,

in ways beyond her wildest dreams.

This photo echoed

the feelings I had when I met our Isaac.

I would do it again.

Wait that long.

It was worth every single painful minute,

to be able to be his mom.

I love you Isaac.

P.S. (Click the picutre to go to Stacy's blog, from which I "borrowed" this picture.)

Ricki Lake

Ricki Lake is doing a show on adoption THIS Friday. If anyone is able to watch it or somehow tape it for me (I have trouble accessing any online TV shows because I am not in the USA), I'd LOVE to see this. At the very least, watch it for me. (Especially because a gal from a blog I read is going to be on it.)

Adoption Tax Credit

On September 14, Fox News featured a story about the adoption tax credit and how it will be dramatically altered after this year. I have included a few excerpts from this article. I am continuing to follow this topic closely and will continue to keep you up-to-date on what you can personally do to help.*

 

Amid talk of the “fiscal cliff” and how much wealthier Americans should pay the government, not much attention has been paid to the most vulnerable class of tax code casualties: orphans and foster kids desperately hoping to be placed in loving homes.

According to the National Council for Adoption, there are more than 100,000 children in foster care in the U.S., and millions more orphaned and abandoned children around the world.

While both parties in Washington, as well as the White House, appear to support the adoption tax credit, the standoff over renewing a much broader package of tax cuts could doom it. Democrats want to make renewing the Bush tax cuts contingent on raising income taxes for people earning $250,000, while Republicans are adamantly opposed to anything that raises taxes above current levels. Unless Congress acts to extend this tax credit, on Jan. 1, 2013, the only credit for adopting will apply to parents who take in special needs children from within the U.S. — and that credit will be for just $6,000.

“When you look at the numbers, you see that folks under $100,000 make up the bulk of the adoptions,” Kroll said. “It’s stunning how many families at lower income levels are adopting children.”

That’s why Kroll wishes the heated political debate about the Bush tax cuts did not include an incentive for helping otherwise helpless kids. “I wish the discussion of all the different taxes did not include this particular tax issue,” Kroll said. “It is support to families that are adopting, and doesn’t belong in the political mix.”

You can read this entire story by clicking here.

*Please take a brief moment to contact your representatives and share your passion for this topic. You can find your Representative and Senators' contact information by visiting here or here. There is also a video you can watch about contacting members of Congress.

Newest Couple for Because of Isaac

We are incredibly excited about where the Lord is taking Because of Isaac. Our first couple, Grant & Elizabeth are now officially on Bethany Christian Service's website which means they could become parents at any moment. They have not raised all of their required money, but the finish line is within their grasp! Our second couple, Steve & Teri have raised more than half of the $10,000 that they need to become the parents of Abule and Alaowei.

And now it is time for our third couple. Unfortunately, my husband (a former graphic designer) does all of our website work for Because of Isaac. He does that on our IMAC which was recently fried in a power surge due to some faulty electricity lines in our house. And as a result, we cannot update the Because of Isaac website until we get a new computer. We don't want to put Ryan & Brianna's unveiling on hold for too long so I have decided to put them on my blog for right now until we can update the website.

So, without further ado ... here are Ryan & Briana! Please consider supporting this couple with a one-time donation or a monthly donation. They need to raise nearly $25,000. Ready ... get set ... GO!!!!

*****
Ryan and Briana were married on May 30, 2009 in Battle Ground, Washington. "We knew we wanted to start our family right away," Briana recalls. "We were so excited to be finally at that place in our lives where we could become parents!"

Like most couples who deal with infertility, it never occurred to either Ryan or Briana that a baby wouldn't just happen right away. It wasn't long before people started to inquire about when they planned to start their family. "We said and believed with our whole hearts that we were simply trusting in God and his timing and that it would happen when it was supposed to."

But with each passing anniversary, the absence of the child they'd both so strongly desired left them feeling sad and broken. "I felt like I had failed in what I considered to be one of the most important areas of my life. It didn't seem like my dream to become a mommy and Ryan's dream to become a daddy was ever going to happen."

But God knew better. He is able to do exceedingly more than we can ever hope or imagine1 (Ephesians 3:20).

At the end of October 2011, Ryan and Briana made the decision to fully release their dream of becoming parents and to completely give their desire to God. They weren't giving up. But they had decided that it was time to trust that God would make them parents in His time and not their time. 

But before they would begin the process of adopting a child, they first decided to adopt a cute little furball named Sophie. "Talk about a crash course in parenting! Sophie really kept us on our toes from the get-go!"

"And then, one week after Sophie came into our lives, we received a life-changing email from Wendi with Because of Isaac. If we were open to adoption, they wanted to sponsor us and help us raise the money to become parents.The amazing thing is that although Wendi knew of our infertility, she didn't know of our desire to adopt. We hadn't told anyone that the months of failed treatments and years of disappointment had led to more and more conversations about adoption. It just had never been financially feasible. Needless to say we were overwhelmed by God's timing and his faithfulness to us. HE knew!"

Just a few minutes spent with Ryan and Briana, it is obvious that they will be fantastic parents. "I see how children are drawn to Ryan and how good he is with them, and I know that he will make a wonderful daddy. And I know that God created in me a mother's heart, and that I can love a child not born of my body, as my own."

Would you help us in supporting Ryan and Briana's adoption? Checks can be written to Bethany Christian Services. And mailed to:

John & Wendi Kitsteiner

PSC 76 Box 669

APO, AE 09720

China Shoes

I have very few items on my "get-out-of-my-house-if-there-is-a-fire" list. The quilt our friend in Florida, Rachel, made us for our wedding. Some photo albums. A cross JB made me while we were dating with our names on it. A scarf Hatice made me.

And these shoes. 

The story behind them is not unfamiliar to regular readers. In 2007, just after we had suffered our fourth failed IVF result -- just after we had decided to adopt a daughter from China. We received a gift from an online friend. You can see a picture of the shoes, as they arrived in my mail box by clicking here: Our "China" shoes.

Fast forward. We have two boys. We make the difficult and very painful decision to withdraw our Dossier from China due to increasing wait times and increasing costs. To not adopt China. To not bring the daughter we always pictured being in our family ... home.

I sent the shoes to a friend who was having a daughter. Her name was Rachel too -- but a different Rachel from the one who made the quilt. I told her to keep them. That I couldn't use them anymore. That I couldn't even see them anymore. They made me sad. Not that we weren't going to have a daughter. I didn't care about that at all. But that pulling out of China made me feel, in a sense, that we were losing a child.

And I couldn't be reminded of that.

But then, a surprise. We were pregnant again. And this time it was a girl. And my friend sent the shoes back to me. She had kept them!

And now, Abigail wears them. She's almost outgrown them. But they remind me, in one moment, of God's providence. Of his amazing ways. Of His ways not being our ways.

And while I was always be a bit sad when I think back on the China adoption that wasn't meant to be, I have realized that Abigail's presence is the presence of the daughter that HE  always planned for us to have.



Story People

I have mentioned the STORY PEOPLE on my blog before. I just love them! Some of the sayings are strange but some of them just so perfectly capture an emotion or a state of being. JB and I found the picture (below) before we ever had children -- adopted or biological. We hung it on our fridge, and I would dream about the child that might eventually come to live with us.

"For a long time, there were only footprints & laughter in our dreams & even from such small things, we knew we could not wait to love you forever."

In 2007, JB's sister Katie and her new husband Eddie gave me a print for Christmas. Here is a photo of the print which was hanging in our adopted son Isaac's nursery when he joined our family in May of 2008.

"In my dream he told me to hold the secret of his birth safe and teach him when he forgot."

Myth: Adopt and You'll Get Pregnant

My friend Amy participated in the "Bust a Myth" Infertility Challenge sponsored by RESOLVE just like I did a few days ago. It's funny, but I was just contemplating the wording to write nearly the exact same post when I hopped over to Amy's blog and realized what I was thinking had already been said.

"Adopt, and you probably still won't get pregnant" she wrote.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

It's funny hearing this coming from Amy and then from me since we both have two little boys one year and less than one year apart. And then, we both found ourselves pregnant again with little girls. I met Amy online (In fact, it was through Amy that my friend Stebbs and I met each other before either of us relocated to Turkey) while we were knee-deep and needles and doctor's appointments. Failed IUI's. Failed IVF's. A turn to adoption. For both of us.

And then, pregnancy.

But the truth of the matter is, while it may seem like women who adopt get pregnant all the time, it is actually the exception. I've written about this before. How many times have you told my story to someone else? Now how many times have you told the story of another friend you have that adopted and never did go on to have other children? My story passes quickly. Stories of adoptions that do not result in pregnancy do not generate as much "buzz." That's really what it boils down to.

I especially liked when Amy wrote the following:

Soon the comments began. "You hear about this happening all the time," and "See, you relaxed about having a baby and then you got pregnant," and "I knew this would happen." I know people mean well, I really do. I always pray to respond from a place of grace.

I pick my battles. Sometimes I say, "Yes, it does happen," and sometimes I cite the statistics, "Actually, only 5-10% of parents who adopt due to infertility go on to conceive and bear children." And sometimes, perhaps not often enough, I present the answer I believe the strongest.

I believe that we were able to conceive after years of infertility and adoption because God meticulously planned it out just so.

AMEN! Amy, I totally agree. You completely echoed my heart. I hesitate to tell our story because I know what is coming next. JB corrects these people all the time. I correct them most of the time. Sometimes I just don't feel like it. Sometimes they are Turkish, and I know the language barrier will prohibit me from saying what I am thinking.

But either way, the truth is as follows:

• Adoption is awesome in and of itself.
• There is no proof to indicate that adopting results in pregnancy.
• The 5-10% statistic is actually a lower success rate than what a woman who tries on their own faces during any given month.
• No one can say for certain whether a woman who gets pregnant post-adoption would have conceived anyway.
• Telling your friend who is adopting "Watch and you will get pregnant" is NOT recommended. In fact, it can be hurtful (even though that is not your intention). It implies that adoption is not good enough and the "good enough" will come after the adoption.
• Repeating my story or Amy's story to people is great. It shows the Lord's blessings. But please help educate people when you tell it. Please inform people that this is the exception not the rule.

For more information on infertility, please click here. This blog post is part of RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association's National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW). Click here for more information on this organization, the largest nationwide non-profit improving the lives of people diagnosed with infertility. This post is part of RESOLVE'S"Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge."

Adoption Myth: Biological Families are the Best Families

Once upon a time, a sixteen year old girl finally talked a seventeen year old boy that she had known since she was nine, to fall in love with her:

Five years later, they were married, so blessed to be husband and wife and dreaming of raising a whole house of children together:

As the next ten years came and went, their marriage remained strong. But their dream of children slowly began to disappear. They pursued infertility treatments. Three failed clomid cycles, five failed artificial insemination (IUI) cycles, and four failed invitro fertilization (IVF) cycles left them so sick of seeing this:

Tired of the journey and weary from so many disappointments, they decided to find the highest maintenance and most energetic puppy they could find. Scrubs joined their family in July of 2007:

While they always believed adoption was in their future and they believed it would be great to parent through this means, in their heart of hearts, they believed that adoption was second best, and that not having a biological child would leave them always a bit "incomplete." But when a phone call from a family friend came and they were asked to adopt her son, their whole world changed:. On May 7, 2008, they were able to hold Isaac John for the very first time in the hospital nursery:

Isaac John was the light of their lives, and their misconception was quickly corrected. Adoption was not a second-best way to parent. It was parenting. It was the same. The love was identical. They knew this in every fiber of their being now that they had Isaac. He was their little boy. When Isaac was just six weeks old, John and Wendi discovered that they were eight weeks pregnant. Pregnant with no infertility treatments at all. (And while many people believe this is the norm, it is actually the exception.)

Eight months after Isaac joined their family, John and Wendi had the pleasure to introduce 8.5 month old big brother to Elijah Luke:

Life would never be the same:

The truth is, many people believe like John and Wendi did -- that biological parenthood is the best way or even the only way to become parents. That these families are the best types of families. That these children are the healthiest. That adopted children have more "issues" than biological children.

But this is a myth. It is not accurate. As Wendi wrote about in a previous post on her blog, the joys of parenting are not lessened, the trials no less intense, by the way in which your child joins your family. The bonding may be slightly different, but it still occurs and is just as intense. You are still Mom and Dad.

Two little boys live in John and Wendi's house today. Two little boys who are loved equally, punished individually, hugged separately (and sometimes together), and kissed and smothered with affection and identical intensity.

Parenthood is parenthood.

And it's awesome. No matter how it comes about.

For more information on infertility, please click here. This blog post is part of RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association's National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW). Click here for more information on this organization, the largest nationwide non-profit improving the lives of people diagnosed with infertility. This post is part of RESOLVE'S "Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge."

Adoption Photos

I'm a little against maternity photos.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the sentiment behind them. And if you remember, I did do some maternity photos with my friend Kara right before I delivered Elijah. You can click here to view them if you would like.

However, I think my photos were pretty tastefully done. They were more about family and celebrating the three of us before we became four. I didn't get half-naked or look lovingly into my husband's eyes.

Now please. Understand me. If you have done this, that is totally fine. I know some people are really into it. I think my discomfort with the idea really stemmed from a lot of our infertility. And John, even now, doesn't understand the point of the photos at all. It all seems strange to him.

But others enjoy it. The pictures are often very beautiful. And people like them. So that's fine.

However, I did get a kick out of a post recently sent to me by one of JB's medical school classmates. Lisa, sent me this link sometime ago. I think I went in for surgery shortly before or thereafter, and as a result, this got pushed into the background. But I've been meaning to share it for some time.

These are some photos taken for a couple preparing to adopt. They are designed to "mimic" maternity photos in a sort of a weird, twisted, and humorous way. I am not sure how I feel about the pictures, but since they are being done by a couple "in the know", I give a little more credence to them.

I'd love to hear what some of you fellow adoptive moms think of these.

Metaphorical Adoption Maternity Photos

Now pictures aside, I did find some of what the blog author wrote about adoption on her post very interesting. A few excerpts:

During the past year that I’ve known our friends. I’ve witnessed some of the more excruciatingly difficult and exquisitely painful moments that accompany the adoption process, while coming to terms with just how little most of us really understand about it. And it seems like one big part of being adoptive parents, no matter to whom, is having to play the role of benevolent public educator to an ignorant public who will take the existence of your children as some kind of personal challenge or display of moral one-upmanship.

And then there’s the obnoxious questions that will always follow them: why can’t you have children of your own? Don’t you know that they’re going to wonder why they look different from you? How much did they cost? Why didn’t their mother want them? What if there’s something wrong with them? What are you going to do with That Hair? You are going to induce lactation, aren’t you?
Even as an innocent bystander, these really raise my ire because of the amount of unthinking, condescending privilege that underscores them. I don’t know a single biological parent who’s had the very choice to give birth to their children questioned so constantly, and throughout her child’s life; you just don’t see pregnant ladies having to face an inquisition squad in line at the grocery checkout, full of people wondering why they didn’t choose to adopt? Couldn’t they have investigated foster care? Don’t they realize that there are already so many children already out there who need homes?

As you can imagine, a sense of humor is integral. And, at some point, Alana got the idea of taking a few metaphorical maternity photos, starring a large beach ball in lieu of a pregnant belly. This, after a couple of Google searches, led to the wide, bizarre, pretentious, tacky, often-naked, and always moodily black-and-white world of maternity portrait photography. And creative inspiration.

Anyways, I'd love to get some feedback from people on "both sides" of this issue. Does anyone else find the whole maternity photo a weird thing? Or is it simply because of my history that these strike me a bit funny?

And what about these adoptive photos? In good taste or sort of strange? No right answers here folks. Just something to think about.

And also something to remember. Adoptive moms have to answer a TON of questions. I don't mind doing that, but it is true that I often find myself as an educator instead of just a mom. I wonder how biological moms would feel if they had to answer some of these questions.

Just thinking outloud ...

100 Comment Vigil

Many kids in foster care feel like they don't have a prayer ... let's change that.

There are more than 400,000 children in the United States foster care system. Each of their stories is different, but in many ways, each of them is alarmingly similar. No matter their story, each and every one desperately needs prayer.

The National Foster Care Prayer Vigil was created to call followers of Christ wherever they are to ask the God of the Universe to do great and mighty things on their behalf. He hears our prayers, and we know He will answer our plea for these precious children and for the people who love and care for them.

The 5th annual National Foster Care Prayer Vigil, is scheduled for May 20-27. The 2012 National Foster Care Prayer Vigil offers followers of Jesus the opportunity to pray for the children, the workers, and the families in our nation's foster care system. Perhaps most importantly, it offers an opportunity for believers to ask God to work in His church on behalf of the children, to change our hearts, and use us in their lives.

I am in the midst of a move across the world so organizing an actual Vigil is not something I can do right now. But I did think it'd be great to organize a virtual Vigil. I am asking that those of you who can take the time to pray for those children in foster care, leave a comment on the blog. Would you leave a comment which includes the place you are located. It can say "Anonymous in California" or "Jamie in Raleigh." Whatever you want. Whatever you like. My goal is to get 100 people to comment that they have prayed.
You can download this prayer guide, but I am also asking that you pray specifically for the following things:

The children

1. Pray that children in the foster care system come to know Jesus as their Lord and savior.
2. Pray that these children experience God's love through the care given to them by all involved in the foster system.
3. Pray that these children would be given a "Forever Family" and that their hearts will be ready for the family they have waiting for them.
4. Pray that sibling groups can stay intact or in contact with each other.
5. Pray that God would heal the deep hurts these children have experienced and protect them from future harm.
6. Pray that the lives of these children will be transformed and that they will be able to forgive those who have wronged them.
7. Pray for the hundreds of thousands of young adults in this country who have "aged out" of the child welfare system. Pray that they can still find a family to forever call theirs through mentors or Godly mentors who can help them navigate life wisely.

The church

1. Pray that God would raise up people to launch ministries for orphans and waiting children.
2. Pray that church leaders would respond to the needs in the foster care system and actively engage these children.
3. Pray that believers would be consumed with compassion for these children and make themselves available for how God wants to use them.

On Becoming a Mother

I love this essay. It perfectly captures the feelings I had when we adopted Isaac. At first, I felt like a fake. Like an outsider. Like an observer. I felt like I was playing house. It didn't feel real. And then, all of a sudden, one day, I had that mother bear feeling. I knew I would protect this child with my life and I loved him like no other. Whoever said blood is thicker than water, never adopted.

By: Clair Houston
Somewhere along the way, between "gotcha" and today, I became her mother. It's hard to say when. The day I first saw her, I was an independent, 44-year-old woman, and she was a cute, 10-month-old, baby girl. Now, when I look at her, I know that I am her mother, and she is my daughter.

After a year-and-a-half and mountains of paperwork, a child was placed in my arms. We were strangers. She was leaving the known world of her foster home, and my husband and I were taking on this unknown baby from an unfamiliar land where Caucasians are rare.

We retreated to our hotel room and began to play house. It felt that strange. We knew four things about her needs: food, diapers, stimulation, and sleep. We began to go through the motions of all four, and, several hours later, collapsed into bed, laughing quietly. She was sound asleep as we remembered the Talking Heads' lyrics, "My God, what have we done!" We weren't confident about our parenting skills, but, somehow, it all worked.

More days of meticulous paperwork ensued—interviews, signatures, passports—to prove that we were who we said we were. My husband and I tag-teamed very well, but still, we felt we were spectators to this little girl.

During the adoption process, you spend a lot of time saying over and over to officials that you want this baby, that you will treat her like gold, and you promise never to abandon her. Then, you finally get the baby, and all the hoops disappear. The reality of this being's presence begins to come into focus. Yet I continued to feel more like a curious observer than a mom.

A loving homecoming at the airport brought friends and family out to celebrate our return to American soil. We entered our house to find balloons, gifts, meals in the fridge, and plenty of good wishes. The baby girl looked around, then smiled. She liked the house that she would soon learn was her new home.

Jet-lagged and sick, I had trouble feeling like I was myself, let alone feeling like a mother. But, slowly, new routines began to emerge at home. My husband and I marveled at her intelligence, at how fast she learned and applied her learning. She laughed. She laughed a lot. We could see that she was a happy girl.

It was delightful to engage with her and get the reward of a baby's belly laugh. She liked to see that she could make us laugh. Days slipped by, and our souls were secretly being woven together.

I saw the first glimpse of this elusive bond about a month after her arrival. Acquaintances stopped by to give her a gift, yet they seemed more attentive to each other than to her. She handed them her favorite toys, and they absently took them and put them down. She played peek-a-boo with them, and they vaguely participated. She looked somber. At first, I didn't think much of it, but, after a while, I noticed a dulling of her eyes.

I swept her up and announced that we had to make dinner. Our guests departed, and I turned my full attention to her. We looked at her toys and our cats, and played peek-a-boo in earnest. We laughed together. Her light quickly returned.

A similar encounter happened the next day, and I felt, deep in my gut, a vow emerging. "I see you, dear girl. I see your light, and you see mine. I will guard and steward that light. Fear not, I won't let them swallow it up."

I was surprised by the fierceness of these feelings. And then I understood: I had become Mom to Evie.

A definitive peacefulness has followed that realization. I am clear about my purpose with this little girl. And I recognize the mother lionness in me. The mysterious bonding thread has formed, and although we are not genetically formed, one from the other, genetic programming has kicked in. I am genetically programmed to take care of this baby human, and she is genetically programmed to bond with me, her mother. All is well with the world, and working perfectly.

Debt and Adoption

I recently stumbled across the following radio interview with financial guru Dave Ramsey. How to Adopt Without Debt. You can read about the interview by clicking here. You can listen to the interview by clicking here.

He is talking to Julie Gumm, author of the book: Adopt Without Debt: Creative Ways to Cover the Cost of Adoption.

I absolutely LOVE Dave Ramsey. He helped my husband I get completely debt free. We are huge fans of Financial Peace and the debt snowball idea. There are many other financial gurus, all with the same basic message: live debt free.

I found this intereview to be right up my alley. I definitely want to get Julie Gumm's book. I do believe that while adoption costs are high, there are a lot of resources and avenues that can be employed to adopt without going into significant debt -- thus one of the reasons we founded Because of Isaac.

Be forewarned. Dave is speaking to people wanting to adopt a child to "help the world." Not people adopting due to childlessness. to adopt a child.

I also did some research on Dave Ramsey's website and found his take on financing infertility treatments or considering adoption. I thought that during these calls, Dave did an incredible job showing compassion and empathy for individuals having to make these difficult decisions.

• A debt before adopt?  Question: Sharon and her husband make $90,000 a year with several thousand dollars in debt. They are considering infertility treatments. What does Dave say about starting a family while in debt?
• Pause the debt snowball for infertility treatments?  Question: Eric in Wisconsin and his wife are down to two debts they’re paying off. They’re approaching their five-year anniversary and want to start a family. They want to consider some fertility treatments making $50,000 a year. Is it okay to pause the debt snowball for this?
• Heart Wrenching Story  Question: Robin is incorporating fertility planning with Dave's financial planning. Insurance pays for most of the fertility planning and they pay their 20% with cash. They have $2,000 left in their fertility budget. She is 39 and feels "under the gun" personally and financially. Dave gives her a disclaimer and offers his best advice.

Petition for Adoption Credit

Would you take a minute to sign this petition requesting that our government extend the tax credit for adoptions?

While the entire system is complex, let me break it down for you below.

Adoption Tax Credit Amounts
2007: $11,390, non-refundable
2008: $11,650, non-refundable
2009: $12,150, non-refundable
2010: $13,170, refundable
2011: $13,360, refundable
2012: $12,650, non-refundable
2013: $5,000, non-refundable

Refundable is better! Isaac's adoption cost us around $15,000. Because Isaac's adoption was refunded in that 2010-2011 window, we received a check for just over $13,000 back from the government.

Non-refundable means that you will not receive a check back from government. If you owe $500, you won't have to pay that. But you won't receive a check for more than what you owe. 

Not only are they eliminating the refundable part of this legislation, but they are dropping the amount by more than half.

The refundable adoption credit allows couples who normally could not afford adoption, to take out a low or no interest loan that they can pay back once their credit comes in.

The average cost to adopt a child is around $25,000. The elimination of this credit, means that a large number of families may not be able to get any of their $25,000 back. This may possibly prevent people from adopting a child at all.

If you don't think this matters to you, it does. Someone is paying to raise the orphans in this country. And that someone is tax payers. Making it more finacially feasible for couples to adopt benefits all of us.

This petition hopes to extend the tax credit as currently stated in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, so that more money is available to families allowing them provide a financially stable home to the adopted child.

Please take a moment to sign this petition. And please take the time to share it with others on your own blog and Facebook account. And if you sign it, would you leave a comment to let me know you did. I like to know that my blog is making even a slight difference in the world of infertility and adoption.

An Adoption Analogy

Deciding to have a baby is like ... planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it is a wonderful place; you've read many guidebooks and feel certain that you're ready to go. Everyone you know has gone there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems that there is no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight.  Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait—and wait—and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, ‘Relax. You'll get on a flight soon.’  After a long time, the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By boat?!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane."  So you go home and you think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than by air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, and some say things like "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea must be so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know you have been blessed with a special appreciation of Australia -- after all the beauty of Australia is not in the way that you get there, but in the place itself.

By Diane Armitage printed in the April 21, 1995 Dear Abby column