ADOPTION EXPERT Q&A WEBINAR:

Getting Started in Independent Adoption

An adoption attorney answers question from parents who are considering or just starting the domestic newborn adoption process.

What are the first steps toward adopting a newborn in the U.S. and is this the right route for me? From hiring your team and putting together your profile to matching with an expectant mother and discussing ongoing contact, join adoption attorney Janna J. Annest for a chance to ask your first questions. 

Janna J. Annest, J.D., is an adoption attorney who has practiced law with the firm of Mills Meyers Swartling since 2003, and a frequent contributor to Adoptive Families magazine. She lives in Seattle, Washington, and is the mother of two children adopted domestically.

Click the link below to listen to a recording of the Q&A session. Simply put in your email address to listen to the recording.

Online Webinar: Getting Started on an Independent Adoption

What we can learn from Melissa Harris-Perry

What we can learn from Melissa Harris-Perry

This article can be read in its entirety by clicking on the link above. I read this article, and my heart immediately broke. It broke because I would NEVER want someone to point out to Isaac that he is different. It is happening already sometimes. People will say, "Why are you the big brother but your little brother is bigger?" I know this can happen in genetic families, but in our family it has happened because Isaac is adopted. I never want him to feel different. Because he is not. He belongs as much as anyone. My in-laws have eight grandchildren. Three of them are adopted! And I can tell you that they don't consider any of these children any different than any of the others, because they are not.

So what happened?

Last week, a segment appeared on Melissa Harris-Perry’s show on MSNBC that reviewed the best photos of the year and asked a panel of actors and comedians to give them humorous captions. It was supposed to be a light-hearted look back at the year, but things went awry. One of the photos was of Mitt and Ann Romney surrounded by all of their grandchildren . . . a photo tradition the Romney's do every year. This year, Mitt was holding his newly adopted African-American grandson, the only person of color amongst over 20 cousins. 


Immediately, the child’s racial difference became the focus. Actress Pia Glenn jokingly sang "one of these things is not like the others," (the song used in Sesame Street segments to help kids identify which object doesn’t belong) and comedian Dean Obeidallah joked that the photo "really sums up the diversity of the Republican Party." Melissa Harris-Perry wondered what it would be like if Kieran Romney (the child in focus) ended up marrying North West and Mitt found himself with Kanye as an in-law.

The segment was brief, but it immediately drew a firestorm from conservatives and adoptive parents alike. Conservatives were upset that they used the photo as an opportunity to take a pot-shot at their political party. Adoptive parents were upset that jokes were made indicating that this grandson didn’t fit n. Both were upset that such jokes were coming at the expense of a child.

The journalist issued an apology which was incredibly heartfelt:

"I am sorry. Without reservation or qualification. I apologize to the Romney family. I work by guiding principle that those who offend do not have the right to tell those they hurt that they [are] wrong for hurting. Therefore, while I meant no offense, I want to immediately apologize to the Romney family for hurting them. As black child born into large white Mormon family I feel familiarity w/ Romney family pic & never meant to suggest otherwise. I apologize to all families built on loving transracial adoptions who feel I degraded their lives or choices."

To read the entire article, click here. 

Real

I am often take aback, put a bit off-guard, when someone learns that we have an adopted child, and they say something like, "Which ones are your's?" I don't know what to do with that question. I don't take it personally. My job as an adoptive mother is to educate people about adoption not get angry because they are misinformed.

I thought this article, included below, does a fantastic job explaining what REAL really means. I know that JB and I are Isaac's REAL parents. He has REAL birthparents and REAL adopted parents. One set of us brought him into the world. The other set will help guide him through the world. 

I still remember pushing the boys in their stroller when they were little. A man stopped me and looked at Isaac (our adopted son) and said, "He looks just like you." Then he turned and looked at Sidge (our biological son) and said, "Whose kid is that?" Most people agree that Isaac probably looks more like me than any of my biological children.

Looks don't make you a family.

Love does.

That's real.

*****

REAL

by Roberta Gore

Being asked who your real parents are is part of being an adoptee. Even though I know now what parenting means, those four letters still make me cringe.

To read this article as it originally appeared ... click here.

I was born in Brooklyn, in 1958, and was adopted by my parents as an infant. I was their second child. My older brother Jim was adopted, too.

When anybody asks me how I felt when I found out I was adopted, I tell them I have no memory of the event. I believe my parents must have told me I was adopted when I was in the crib. It's just part of who I am, something I've always known. I guess that could be an essay on its own--how thankful I am for parents who did it right, who never made who I am or where I come from into some kind of shameful secret that could be shared only when I was old enough to cope.

But that's not the point I want to make now. I want to talk about the word "real" and how much that four-letter word has hurt me over the years.

Just a Word?
I was in fifth or sixth grade when we studied dominant and recessive traits in school. That night, our homework was to draw a family tree, mapping out our family's traits. I didn't know what to do. If I just did the assignment, I figured my teacher would tell me I was wrong--that I hadn't been listening during class, that I'd made a mistake. I had curly brown hair and brown eyes. My brother had brown eyes, too, and both of our parents had straight hair and blue eyes. I'd just learned how that couldn't happen.

I drew the tree, because I figured I'd get a grade for doing that, but I wrote a note to my teacher, as well, explaining that I was adopted, so the whole dominant/recessive thing wouldn't make sense. And that was how kids in my class found out I was adopted. I wasn't ashamed of that fact, it had just never come up. When families adopt children of a different race, it's obvious. But I’m probably Irish, and my parents are, too. I can’t remember if some of the kids overheard me discussing it with my teacher, or if I showed my family tree to someone. I just know that’s when kids started asking me if I knew who my real parents were.

I felt conflicted because I knew I was loved, but I also knew, in my 10-year-old head, that those kids were saying that their parents were, somehow, more real than mine. And then I wondered if those resemblances other families bore--moms and daughters with the same hair, fathers and sons with the same eyes, families that just had the same "look"--made them love each other in a deeper way.
In a high school social studies class, I was assigned a part in a debate about which was "better," abortion or adoption. My friend Eric was my opponent. He didn't know I was adopted. During the debate, Eric said that kids who are adopted are never loved as much as kids who are being raised by their real parents. That upset me, but my friend had no idea why I marched down the hall away from him as fast as I could when class was over. When he finally cornered me, I was crying. Not because I believed what he said, but I was a kid, and he had hurt my feelings. I told him I was adopted and I remember Eric looking stunned as he said, "I didn't know." And that was that. He never said anything like that again. He was a good friend.

And it goes on and on. I guess if I'd been counting, I could say I've heard biological parents referred to as "real" a thousand times--along with the implied message that adoptive parents, my parents, are pretend, less than. I know it's just a word, and a word is just a collection of letters. But some words pack a painful punch. And finally, after being punched enough, you might start to believe the message it's spelling out.

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." --Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Realizing What Matters
For some reason, I didn't discover Margery Williams's The Velveteen Rabbit until I was in my twenties. I'm glad I didn't, because then I was old enough to get it. The first time I read it I was awed by her words. I loved the Skin Horse's explanation of what it means to be "real," and I thought about all the times people had asked me if I knew who my real parents were. And then I thought about my parents, whom I love so much. I remember calling them that night, just to tell them I loved them.

I now have three kids I gave birth to. My daughter is kind of a mix of my husband and me. But mainly she looks like my husband. My first son just looks like himself, and he has blue eyes. My youngest looks a little like me, but he has blue eyes and straight blonde hair. Temperamentally, none of my kids remind me of myself. That's because they're themselves, not me. But none of that matters. I understand that now. We don't become parents in order to raise people who look like us or act like us, or to extend our shelf life. We parent because we love, because we want to help someone else down the road of life.

So, "real" isn't about whether or not you carried your baby for nine months, and it doesn't occur the moment a nurse puts a baby in your arms. "Real" doesn't happen all at once. You become...slowly. When you rock a baby to sleep and crawl on the floor with a toddler and introduce your child to his first grade teacher and wait by the door to wrap your arms around him when he comes home, and cry with her when her friends shun her, and teach him to dive in the ocean, and read and sing and dance and fight and make up, you become real.

Yes, as the Skin Horse says, it hurts sometimes. But when you're real, you would rather get hurt than miss a single moment. And then one day you look at that child, and maybe she's eating an ice cream cone and it's dripping down her chin, or he's singing a hymn and you can hear his sweet voice in your ear as he sits next to you in church, and you realize nothing in your life has been more real.

Roberta Gore is a high school drama teacher at North Carroll High School. She lives with her family in Westminster, Maryland.

Adoption Movies

Any idea what the following legendary individuals have in common?

• Moses
• Jesus
• Superman
• Kung Fu Panda

You got it. They were adopted.

I think it is important for children to see themselves in our world -- to not feel alone. We often remind Isaac that he is adopted just like some of these legendary characters listed above.

I recently stumbled upon a selection of good "adoption-movie-conversation-starters." I wanted to share this list with you. Please note that I have not seen all of these movies. I hope to have my own opinion on these in the future.

            RATED G            

Meet the Robinsons -- HAVE NOT SEEN THIS ONE YET
Twelve-year-old Lewis lives in an orphanage. He loves to invent things, and never gives up on his ideas (one invention took more than 900 tries). He's had 124 interviews with prospective parents, though, and is ready to give up on the hope of being adopted. With the help of a mysterious stranger, Lewis travels 20 years into the future and meets the loving family that will be his. He returns to the present time with his hope renewed. This is a cute, kid-friendly movie. Some aspects may be troubling, but it's altogether positive, and raises good discussion points.

The adoption interview scenes and the sense of "auditioning" for prospective parents might not sit well with some kids (or some parents). On the other hand, Mildred, the orphanage director, is loving and positive—a rarity in movie portrayals! Before one interview, she tells Lewis, "Go show them how special you are."

Discussion Questions for Meet the Robinsons

• Have you kept working on something when you wanted to give up? How did it turn out?
• When has it been hard to keep hoping for something?
• Which people were the kindest to you, before you came to live with me/us?

The Tigger Movie -- SEEN IT! LOVE IT!
"The wonderful thing about Tiggers / Is Tiggers are wonderful things.... They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy / Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun! / But the most wonderful thing about Tiggers / Is I'm the only one!" sings Tigger, but he begins to wonder why he's the only one. Where are all the other tiggers? In a misguided effort to help, his friends write a letter that purports to be from his birth family. When Tigger discovers that they wrote it, he heads out in a blizzard to look for other tiggers. His friends go after him, and he eventually realizes that they are his family. The question of where the other tiggers are (or whether there are other tiggers) is not resolved. This will mirror the experience of some adoptees: answers are not always available.

Roo and his mother, Kanga, have a wonderful conversation. Roo says that he wishes Tigger were part of his family. Kanga responds, "He already is and always will be." Roo continues, "I still wish I could do something to make him feel better." While Roo understands that his mother views Tigger as part of their family, he also realizes that this does not make Tigger feel better. We can all follow Roo's example—offer unconditional love, acceptance, and inclusion, but do not expect that your offerings will immediately or completely fill the void an adoptee is feeling.

This brief, sweet film encourages the idea of finding happiness with the people you know and love, but doesn't ignore the desire to learn about your first family. Older adoptees who have younger siblings might be convinced to watch The Tigger Movie as a family, and would likely benefit from it.

Discussion Questions for The Tigger Movie

• Tigger spent a lot of time imagining what other tiggers would be like. What do you imagine your birth family is like?
• What could Tigger's friends have done to help him feel better instead of pretending to be his birth family and writing the letter?
• Roo always wanted to be Tigger's friend and didn't want him to feel alone. Who are your good friends? 

            RATED PG            

Despicable Me and Despicable Me 2 -- SEEN BOTH OF THESE AND LOVE THEM BOTH!
Both of these animated features got a lot of hype. The first one portrayed adoption poorly; the sequel handled it very well.

In Despicable Me, the villain Gru adopts Margo, Edith, and Agnes from Miss Hattie's orphanage. The orphanage was a miserable place, where punishments included sitting in a "box of shame," but the girls' life with Gru is no better—he adopts them only because he needs them for his evil plan. Toward the end of the movie, he returns them to the orphanage, then has a change of heart and goes back to re-claim them.

Discussion Questions for Despicable Me

• Gru was not someone the girls could depend on. How did they know whether he was trustworthy later?
• Is Miss Hattie's orphanage like any place you've lived?

In the second movie, we see a completely different Gru. He's now working with the Anti-Villain League. More important, he's become less selfish, more involved with his children's lives, and is doing his best to be a good single dad. When his oldest daughter starts to date, Gru is particularly overprotective, which may ring true for some adoptive parents.

Discussion Questions for Despicable Me 2

• What makes Gru a good dad?
• When Agnes reveals that she's sad because she doesn't have a mom, Gru's response is a little insensitive. What should he have said?

Kung Fu Panda and Kung Fu Panda 2 -- A REAL FAVORITE IN OUR HOUSE!
These fun movies will definitely appeal to kids, and both handle adoption well. Po, a Kung Fu-loving panda bear, was adopted and raised by Mr. Ping, a goose who owns a noodle shop. Po is conflicted, feeling that he must choose between his own passion and his family's calling, but, with his father's encouragement, learns to incorporate both into his identity. By the end of Kung Fu Panda, Mr. Ping has given his son the secret family recipe, and Po has become a great noodle cook, as well as a Dragon Warrior.

Discussion Questions for Kung Fu Panda

• Po has a hard time telling his dad what he wants to be. What do you wish you could tell your parents?
• In the beginning, Po is dreaming of fitting in with the Furious Five. What do you dream of?
• How are you like your mom and dad? How are you like your birthparents?

Although it was implied in the first film, it's only in Kung Fu Panda 2 that Mr. Ping tells his son that he was adopted. They have an honest conversation, though Mr. Ping isn't able to satisfy all of Po's curiosity about who he is. Po recalls traumas from his early childhood, and he fears his birthparents didn't love him. A soothsayer reassures him that they did, and also counsels, "Your story might not have a happy beginning, but it's who you choose to be that makes you who you are."

Discussion Questions for Kung Fu Panda 2

• How much of your story do you remember? What have you been told?
• Which parts of your story do you not know? What do you imagine about the parts you don't know? What do you hope is true?

Elf -- SEEN IT! LOVE IT!
This Will Ferrell comedy gets a lot of play around Christmas time. It's, of course, meant to be light-hearted, but some scenes may evoke painful emotions.

A baby at an orphanage crawls into Santa's sack and ends up at the North Pole, where he's named Buddy and raised by Papa Elf. Buddy doesn't fit in, due to his size, but is told only as an adult that he was adopted. He sets off to New York City to find his birthfather, Walter—and is harshly rejected by this man who's on Santa's "naughty list." For most of the movie, Buddy doesn't feel like he belongs in either world. Finally, Buddy is accepted by his birthfather.

Discussion Questions for Elf

• Is Buddy an elf, a human, both, or something else?
• Walter eventually apologizes for what he said to Buddy ("I don't care that you're my son. Get out of my life, now!"). Is the apology enough to clear Walter of wrongdoing? To heal Buddy's hurt feelings?

Martian Child -- ON MY LIST TO WATCH!
David Gordon, a widower, is adopting from foster care. He's matched with an eccentric six-year-old named Dennis, who claims he's from Mars. Martian Child offers an honest portrayal of David's questioning, wondering whether he is qualified to be a parent, and of the rocky adjustment period. Dennis steals some of David's belongings, including pictures of his wife. When David finds out, Dennis asks, "Was I bad? You're going to send me away because I took your stuff?" David responds, "There's nothing you could do that would change the way I feel. I'm not going to ever send you away." One of the best cinematic depictions of foster care I've seen!

Discussion Questions for Martian Child

• Have you ever felt abandoned, as Dennis did?
• What was the most important thing that David told Dennis?

            RATED PG-13            

Man of Steel -- HAVE NOT SEEN THIS YET!
Yes, Superman was adopted! When Jor-El and Lara learn that their planet, Krypton, will soon explode, they send their newborn, Kal-El, to Earth. As they say goodbye, Lara mourns because she will "never get to see him walk or hear him say our names." The baby is found by Jonathan and Martha Kent, who adopt him and name him Clark.

This film is best for preteens and teens. It offers a nuanced view of identity, even though it seems to encourage a degree of secrecy around adoption—and is also quite violent. Jonathan struggles to be honest about Clark's adoption. After he reveals the truth, there's a painful confrontation when Clark says, in classic adolescent-adoptee fashion, "You're not my dad, just some guy who found me." His dad's response truly made me cringe: "You're right. We're not your parents. We're just doing as best we can." Ultimately, Jonathan avows that he is Clark's father, and that Clark must explore his heritage. Clark understands that he can be a "child of Earth" as well as a child of Krypton.

Discussion Questions for Man of Steel

• Superman gets to meet his birthfather. What do you wish you could ask your birthparents? (Or, in an open adoption, What do you talk about with your birthparents?)
• Have you ever felt like you had to hide a secret from everyone?
• Superman struggles to integrate his Kryptonian heritage with his earthling identity. How do you identify with your birth culture? With our family's culture? 

Moonrise Kingdom -- HAVE NOT SEEN THIS YET!
Sam, an orphan, is at scout camp when his foster family informs the camp that they won't take him back at the end of the summer. Suzy is the daughter of two belligerent lawyers, and acts out. These two 12-year-olds have been pen pals for the past year, and neither has any other friends. They decide to run away—he from camp, she from her home, and both are running from loneliness. During the search for Sam and Suzy (and an ensuing escapade when the other scouts start feeling guilty about ostracizing Sam and work to prevent his being sent to a "juvenile refuge"), the local police captain becomes Sam's mentor, and eventually his new foster father
.
Several of the scouts, and even Suzy, say some pretty insensitive things. In one scene, Suzy tells Sam, "I wish I was an orphan. Almost all of my favorite characters are. It seems like your lives are more special." (Seems like a prime example of something you should never say to an adoptee.) Sam responds, "I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about."

Discussion Questions for Moonrise Kingdom

• Have you ever thought that your life story was talked about by lots of people? How did you feel about that?
• Have you ever wanted to tell someone, "I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about"?