Garth Brooks: Mom

I loved this Garth Brooks song about mothers ... while maybe not written for adopted mothers, I think it is a perfect fit!

Adoption Grief

They were almost yours.

And now they are not.

A person who has never travelled the adoption road cannot comprehend the loss that comes with this journey.

Many couples who find themselves on an adoption road have already experienced incredible loss.

Loss of babies.

Loss of dreams.

Loss of privacy.

Loss of family.

And then they find themselves with new dreams. Dreams of adoption. Dreams of a child who needs a home. Dreams of being that home for a child or sibling group.

People who watch infertility grief unfold will often throw out the suggestion, "Why don't you adopt?" These well meaning suggestors want the pain to go away, and adoption seems like a guarantee on ending the loss and sadness.

Those suggesters have no idea what they are actually suggesting.

They are asking a couple, already plagued by failed dreams and hopes ... a couple who has already answered the phone so many times to hear a NO ... to do it all over again.

Only in a different way.

This week I watched someone I love do exactly that.

After years of trying to have a baby and years of watching that dream not come true, and years of watching everyone around them see the miracle they can only dream about, they decided to adopt.

And yesterday they lost again.

They watched the hope that they had be handed to a different family.

A deserving family mind you. Another family that was sitting on the edge of their seats as well. A family that today is celebrating while my friends are grieving.

And of course you can rationalize what they went through with so many words that in the end, don't change the fact that they are still childless.

Yes, their hope went to a deserving family that God designed for them to be with. Yes, there will ultimately be more rays of hope, and one of those rays of hope will belong to them. Yes, they will be better and stronger because of the loss. They will have learned and they will give to others and the perfect miracle will one day sit in their laps.

But today they awaken to empty laps.

Again.

All the while the world around them continues to move in the same way it had before. Women who don't want babies are having them. Families who can't take care of children are abandoning them. People who don't deserve a child are abusing them. Friends and family continue to have children and take pictures and post them on Facebook and talk about their "perfect family."

And still they wait.

And while they wait for the perfect childless child to be their child, they know that the loss they experienced yesterday could happen all over again. And the only way to find the miracle is to face the fact that they have to open themselves up again. They have to try again. And they could be disappointed again.

Just adopt.

Just be vulnerable.

Just risk.

Just hope.

Just dream.

Just do it all again. And maybe again.

Loss while they wait for their miracle. Grief while hoping. Sadness while expectant.

To my friends and to others waiting, I'm waiting with you. I'm praying for you. I'm hoping by your side. Hang on.

Your miracle is coming.

Family is ... Adoption

If this video doesn't inspire you to DO something about the children in the world without a home, I'm not sure what would.

Click here to see how LOVE is really all you need to make a family.

Adopted into my heart

He slides into the living room. Sleep lines still on his face. Small doggy in one hand. Blue Bear in the other. He's usually the last of his brothers and sisters to wake up. And unlike the others, who are chatting from the moment they emerge from slumber, he is silent. He glances at me -- just a quick peek out of his big blue eyes and long lashes as he snakes across the wooden floor.

I put my arm out and expect him to curl up next to me. Instead he moves a little to the left. He pulls his knees up and settles into a spot on my lap. He's five and that is a bit too big to sit on a lap. But he doesn't seem to know it. He pulls his two favorite stuffed animals up under his chin and rests his head on my chest.

Understood silence ensues. And as we sit there together, I have trouble believing that he is five now. He is learning to read and to ride a bike. He just lost his second tooth, is memorizing Bible verses at church, and just completed his first tennis lesson. He loves junk food especially ice cream and lollipops and Cheetos and Oreos. He requests Blueberry Shredded Wheat cereal every time we go to the store. He is obsessed with Superheroes and can recite names and facts and powers as seamlessly as I used to shoot lay-ups. Oh, and he thinks his Daddy hung the moon.

Not many moms get a phone call telling them that they have a son while they are driving down the highway. But I did. I met a barely blonde seven pound little boy just a few hours later. Forty-eight hours later I sat next to him in the backseat as we pulled away from the hospital.

I had never felt him move in my womb. I had never spoken to him or sang to him or called him by his name or told him about all the hopes I had for his life.

Not where he could hear me anyway.

But I had crossed days off the calendar. And I had readied a nursery. And I had read all the books. I had spoken out loud to him and begged him to come soon. We had chosen a name. We had purchased a car seat. And a stroller. And waited for the phone to ring.

We had dreamed.

Once home, he nestled into my heart and onto my chest and into my arms seamlessly. I learned what cry meant he was hungry. When he was tired. How he liked to be swaddled. I snuggled him and bathed him and burped him and told him how happy I hoped he would be as my son.

He loved his swing. Hated green beans. Was allergic to eggs. We went for walks, grocery shopped, and felt the wind in both of our faces on boat rides. Daddy gave him his first hair cut and sat him on the counter in the kitchen with a wooden spoon in hand so they could cook together.

The first time he threw up all over me, and I climbed into the shower with him still on my shoulder and stood there under the warm water with his naked little body in my arms, I knew we were in this mother-son thing together forever.

I potty trained him. Taught him to put on his own shoes. To feed himself. To wash his own toes in the bathtub. We visited the Zoo. The park. The pool. The beach. I wiped his nose and his butt and his mouth. In exchange he gave me more hugs and kisses and snuggles than I felt I deserved.

He got a passport and moved with our military family around the world. He learned to count to ten in Turkish. He perfected please and thank you in Portuguese. He could spot dondurma (ice cream) a mile away and quickly learned to cover his cheeks so they wouldn't be kissed or pinched by people who spoke with words he didn't understand. He perfected the art of peeing in a "Turkish toilet" and accepted that waiters wanted to carry him around and show him off while his parents ate dinner.

Today he is a lanky five-year-old with a smile that he reserves for moments that truly deserve it. He's nimble and spry and while soft-spoken, he has the words to challenge us verbally every day.

When the power went out the other day, you could instantly spot the older brother amongst my four children. He was the one saying, "It's okay everybody. I got my flashlight. It's okay."

He knows the word adopted and can tell you what it means. Knows that unlike his siblings, he has something in common with Superman and Kung Fu Panda and Jesus and Moses.

He wants to be a carpenter and a veterinarian and an artist and a superhero when he grows up.

And all I want is what I've already gotten.

I wanted him to be my son.

And he is.

I love you Isaac.

Adoption Contest

I've entered the photo of the moment JB and I met Isaac for the first time in a photo contest for an adoption magazine. Click here to see the entered photo.

Picture online!

Check it out, our picture of Isaac and his dog Scrubby is on the main page of the ADOPTIVE FAMILIES website! We entered it in a contest to feature our adopted child and his best four legged pal!

Favorite Adoption books of 2013

These books were recommended by the Adoptive Families website. Please note that I have NOT personally read most of these books so these are not my personal recommendation.

MEMOIRS

BREEDING IN CAPTIVITY, by Stacy Bolt
			In her witty, irreverent, yet poignant memoir, Stacy Bolt recounts her quest to have a child at "advanced maternal age" with the help of an RE (Really Expensive fertility specialist), and then through domestic adoption.

NO MATTER WHAT, by Sally Donovan
			After adopting siblings with a history of abuse and neglect from the British foster system, Donovan and her husband realize that love alone won't heal their children. The author is disarmingly honest about their post-placement challenges—the outbursts (theirs and hers) and tenacity (theirs and hers) as they all ultimately let down their guard and learn to love.

INSTANT MOM, by Nia Vardalos
			"Funny, touching, and extremely honest. Vardalos starts with her time making My Big Fat Greek Wedding, when, it turns out, she was having an absolutely brutal time with multiple IVF tries. And then her desire to ‘have a baby' turned into a desire to ‘be a parent.' Anyone who adopted from foster care or internationally, like me, will relate to the struggles they had when they first brought their daughter home. A great read!"—HEATHER

THE EYE OF ADOPTION, by Jody Cantrell Dyer
			"I believe every woman currently waiting to adopt, or who knows someone who's waiting, should read this book. It amazed me how Jody so perfectly described feelings that I had myself. It helped me to understand that my feelings and emotions are completely normal and nothing to be ashamed of. I absolutely loved this book."—HOLLY

IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S YOUR MOTHER, by Julia Sweeney
			You would expect a memoir of motherhood and adoption by a comedian and former SNL cast member to be funny. And it is. But Julia Sweeney’s tale of adopting her daughter as a single mother, then later marrying and moving with her family from Los Angeles to Chicago, is also warm and real and sharply observed.

CHILDREN'S BOOKS

ADOPTED, LIKE ME, by Ann Angel; illustrated by Marc Thomas; ages 8+
			Let your child know that, through adoption, he or she joins the likes of George Washington Carver, Marilyn Monroe, John James Audubon, Aristotle, and others. The 19 short biographies of famous adoptees are accompanied by richly colored paintings.

I AM LATINO: THE BEAUTY IN ME , by Sandra L. Pinkney; photos by Myles C. Pinkney; ages 3-6
			The team that brought us Shades of Black: A Celebration of Our Children created another wonderful book with simple text and full-color photos. Seeing a child in a book who looks like them is powerfully affirming for any child, and I Am Latino illustrates the diversity of people of Latino descent.

CAN I TELL YOU ABOUT ADOPTION?, by Anne Braff Brodzinsky; illustrated by Rosy Salaman; ages 7+
			"Funny, touching, and extremely honest. Vardalos starts with her time making My Big Fat Greek Wedding, when, it turns out, she was having an absolutely brutal time with multiple IVF tries. And then her desire to ‘have a baby' turned into a desire to ‘be a parent.' Anyone who adopted from foster care or internationally, like me, will relate to the struggles they had when they first brought their daughter home. A great read!"—HEATHER

BORN FROM THE HEART, by Berta Serrano; illustrated by Alfonso Serrano; ages 3-6
			Reactions to Born from the Heart have been mixed. Some think it takes the pregnancy metaphor of a heart that grows bigger and bigger, necessitating clothes from "a special store for special moms like her," too far. Others see the tale, which the author based on her own early talks with her son, as light fantasy and "a cute way to explain adoption to a child." —KAT

ABC, ADOPTION AND ME, by Gayle Swift with Casey Swift; illustrated by Paul Griffin; ages 5+
			Although the "ABC" concept makes it seem that this would be a book for younger kids, this collaboration between an adoptive mother and her daughter tackles weighty topics. "What I love about this book is how it touches on many aspects of adoption that could be difficult to talk about, but not in a threatening or forceful way. It can be used over and over again as children grow—my 16-year-old even found it thought-provoking." —SUSAN

NOVELS

THE MOTHERS, by Jennifer Gilmore
			"I heard an interview with Jennifer Gilmore on Fresh Air and I thought she made the process sound miserable—a ridiculously long wait with one scam after another. But I was really impressed with how balanced the book was. She got so many of the details right—the way a relationship with a friend changes when she has a baby and you’re still waiting, the info meetings at the agency—at times, it felt like she just changed a few names and published a (well-written, well-edited) diary of her adoption wait." —MIRIAM

THE SEARCH ANGEL, by Tish Cohen
			Eleanor Sweet, adopted as a baby, is pursuing an adoption with her husband when he backs out at the last moment. She determines to go forward with the adoption on her own, but needs support—and some answers—so she hires Isabelle to locate her birth mother. "I liked the character of the 'search angel.' So many people who help others are hiding a secret pain themselves...." —JEN

AND THEN I FOUND YOU, by Patti Callahan Henry
			Twenty years after Patti Callahan Henry’s sister placed a baby for adoption, Henry was contacted by the young woman. With her sister’s permission, the novelist wrote a fictionalized account of her experiences leading up to the adoption plan and through the emotional reunion.

NON-FICTION

WELCOMING A NEW BROTHER OR SISTER THROUGH ADOPTION, by Arleta James
			Arleta James, a therapist specializing in adoption and attachment, has been working closely with families for more than a dozen years. Her expertise shines through in this comprehensive guide (not just for families pursuing a second adoption!) that’s filled with real-life examples and practical advice.

THE OPEN-HEARTED WAY TO OPEN ADOPTION, by Lori Holden with Crystal Hass
			"This is a beautifully honest, thoughtful, and enlightened guide—a book I wish my parents could have read before they adopted me. Keeping the well-being of the adopted child in mind, Lori explains why it’s so important to help heal the split between a child’s biography and biology. I encourage you to set aside any pre-conceived thoughts you have about openness in adoption and take a look. I recommend this to all of the adoptive and foster families I work with." —LESLI

TO THE END OF JUNE, by Cris Beam
			"Cris Beam’s book about the U.S. foster care system, is important, insightful, and depressing. I think anyone involved in foster care should read it. I find myself convinced that children should remain with their (birth) parents if at all possible, given the state of the system. Children often seem to be deeply damaged by foster care and by being separated from their parents, no matter how flawed. And I write this as an adoptive mother."......... —PAT

YOUNG ADULT/CHAPTER BOOKS

COUNTING BY 7S, by Holly Goldberg Sloan
			WIllow Chance, adopted transracially as an infant, has mastered several different languages and diagnostic medical texts by age 12. Although she has trouble fitting in at school, her parents have always understood her. After they die in a car crash, she must find a new place to belong. You’ll fall in love with and root for Willow and the rest of the quirky cast in this utterly charming novel.

AFTER ISAAC, by Avra Wing
			Three years after his brother’s death, at age 11, 16-year-old Aaron Saturn is just coming to terms with the loss. But when his parents announce their plans to adopt a baby girl from China, he’s once again thrown off-course. Avra Wing deftly captures the voice of her teenaged narrator, and explores the topics of friendship, family stability, and grief, alongside adoption and racism.

Remember the Orphans

Why is Adoption So Expensive

I am asked this question FREQUENTLY. So frequently, that I wanted to take the time to write a blog post about it and share exactly WHY adoption costs so much. 

This information was taken from a pamphlet called "Adoption and the Orphan Crisis" produced by Show Hope: A Movement to Care for Orphans. You can find a link to this pamphlet at the bottom of this post.

If there are millions of waiting children in the world, why must it often cost tens of thousands of dollars to help bring them into the love and protection of a family? In an attempt to shed some light as to why adoption can be such a costly endeavor, we will focus on five main areas of financial expense that relate to adoption.

1. LEGAL: One of the major steps in the adoption process is to choose an adoption agency and/or attorney who will help to facilitate your adoption. Depending upon what type of adoptive placement you are seeking (private, international, domestic, etc.), your agency or attorney will be involved in navigating the referral process and will help you process your legal documents. Agencies and attorneys often have fees that vary based on the program you are pursuing and how much legal help is needed to move through the process.

Additionally, in the case of international adoptions, an attorney’s services are often needed in order to file “re-adoption” paperwork once your child is home. In all cases, your agency and/or attorney should be your best advocate as they guide you through extensive paperwork and necessary legal steps. The fees for this service can range broadly.

2. HOME STUDY: every adoptive family is required to complete a home study. home studies consist of multiple stages, starting with an orientation period. Initial information is recorded about the family and interviews are conducted to retrieve specific background information. Preparation training for adoptive parents is required along with home visits that ensure the home is safe and suitable for children.

In addition, health, income, and autobiographical information are required, as well as thorough background checks and fingerprinting. Lastly, personal references must be submitted in order to provide the most complete picture of the family.

After each stage of the home study, a report is created by the home study agency. These reports are combined to create the family’s portfolio which prospective agencies and birth parents can review based on the type of adoption

program.

After placement, a home study agency will also complete post- placement visits. These visits focus on making sure the child is doing well and thriving within their new family. The entire home study/ post-placement process can span many months to years (depending on how quickly a waiting child is placed into the family) and the cost is often impacted accordingly.

3. COUNTRY: The hague Convention was enacted by the United Nations in an attempt to thwart corruption/trafficking and preserve the right of orphaned children to experience the love and protection of a family through adoption. Under the convention, each country has its own program to place children internationally and determines its own adoption fees. For families living in the Us and adopting abroad, they can expect to pay fees for processing federal forms and paperwork as well as adoption fees for the specific country they are adopting through. With each country determining different fees and program costs, this area of expense can vary widely.

4. DOCUMENTATION: Documentation is required for each step of the adoption process. These documents make up the dossier that most international programs require, including proof of eligibility. each document is processed locally, then by the agency, state and federal government, and finally by the international government of the child’s country of origin.

Many adoption agencies require the documents to be sealed and notarized, which authenticates the application and dossier. If a family decides to adopt internationally, they will also have to submit paperwork to the UsCIs (U.s. Citizen and Immigration services) in order to receive citizenship for their child. This element is vital to the adoption process but can also add thousands of dollars to the overall cost.

5. TRAVEL: Whether the adoption is domestic or international, travel expense can usually be expected. Undoubtedly, travel for an international adoption can be quite expensive. In most international adoption cases, the family will visit the country and the child first. Then, once that country’s waiting period is over and the process is complete, the family will return to their child’s country of origin to complete the process and travel home with their child. The cost for this element of adoption varies widely based on time of travel and country of origin.

This information was taken from this document.

Because of Isaac Birthdays

A year ago, sixty-four families contributed to an adoption for our very first Because of Isaac couple: Grant and Elizabeth. A year ago, they brought home twin boys. And today, one year later, those twins turn one!

Grant and Elizabeth with their twins: Ethan (left) and Eli

Ethan in all his glory.

Eli taking it all in

We are currently just under $5,000 away from our third family, Ryan & Briana, completing their fundraising. I am asking EVERYONE who reads my blog regularly to consider a donation to this couple's adoption. Please email me at information@becauseofisaac.org or visit our website at www.becauseofisaac.org to find out how you can donate. We are so close to our goal but need the help of YOU to make this happen. Donations in ANY amount are welcome and helpful and you will forever be a part of one family's adoption story!

30 famous people who are adopted

1. Maya Angelou (poet and author)

“Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, and penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope.” – Maya Angelou

2. Augustus Caesar (emperor of Rome)

3. Truman Capote (author)

4. Kristin Chenoweth (actress)

5. Eric Clapton (singer)

6. President Bill Clinton

“Perhaps there is no greater miracle than finding a loving home for a child who needs one.” – President Bill Clinton

7. Nat King Cole (singer)

8. Ted Danson (actor, adoptive father)

9. President Gerald Ford

10. Jamie Foxx (singer, actor)

11. Newt Gingrich (politician)

12. Faith Hill (singer)

“I have a lot of respect for my birth mother…I know she must have had a lot of love for me to want to give me what she felt was a better chance.” – Faith Hill

13. Scott Hamilton (professional skater)

14. John Hancock (U.S. Founding Father)

15. Steve Jobs (co-founder of Apple)

16. Eartha Kitt (singer, actress)

17. John Lennon (singer)

18. Art Linkletter (TV personality)

19. Nelson Mandela (human rights activist)

“There can be no keener revelation of a society’s soul than the way in which it treats its children.” – Nelson Mandela

20. Tim McGraw (singer)

21. Sarah McLachlan (singer)

22. Marilyn Monroe (actress)

23. Michael Oher (professional football, story inspired The Blind Side)

“It’s true that we can’t help the circumstances we’re born into and some of us start out in a much tougher place than other people. But just because we started there doesn’t mean we have to end there.” – Michael Oher

24. Edgar Allen Poe (author)

25. Priscilla Presley (actress)

26. First Lady Nancy Reagan

27. First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt

28. Babe Ruth (professional baseball player)

29. Dave Thomas (founder of Wendy’s, children’s advocate)

“Everyone’s got to be for a child to have a home and love. I mean, I don’t know anyone who would be against that.” – Dave Thomas

30. Leo Tolstoy (author)

*** I am continuing to update this page regularly on my main blog page. Click here to see if I have added any new people to the list.

……………………………………………………………….

P.S. We'd like to add our favorite adoptees in our house: Superman, Kun Fu Panda, Jesus, Moses, and the girls on Despicable Me! Others include: George Washington Carver, John James Audubon and Aristotle. 

Download the FREE 15-page guide on Understanding Adoption and the Orphan Crisis 

What Isaac Knows

At the court hearing that made us a forever family!

One of the most common adoption questions that I currently hear surrounds how much Isaac knows. "Does he know he is adopted?" or "Does he understand he is adopted?" or "How much does he know?"

It's a good question, and I wanted to take the opportunity to answer it in detail. I use a lot of my blog entries to send to people who are asking questions. The more I can get "written", the less times I have to write it out over and over again. So here's what Isaac, and consequently Sidge (Abigail is too young to understand) know and talk about:

Isaac knows that he adopted.

He knows that he was in Bri's belly.

He knows that his brother and sisters were in my belly.

He knows that Joan and Roy and Bri are in our family even though they don't live with us.

He knows that he has other family members he barely knows that love him without meeting him or having met him often.

He knows that he was adopted like Jesus and Moses and Kung Fu Panda and Superman.

He knows and uses the word adopted and birth mom. He will never hear those words and be shocked by them. But I imagine there will come a point that he says, "What does that exactly mean that I am adopted?" or "What does that mean that I have and adopted mom and a birth mom?" 

Isaac's birthfather is not in the picture and most likely he won't be. We imagine there will come a day that he will ask about him. We will cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, we plan to tell him, when he asks, that his birthfather loved Bri and supported her as she grew Isaac in her baby and gave him life. But then, they decided to part ways, and our families did not know each other and therefore we do not have contact with him. If Isaac decided to seek him out when he is grown, we will support him in that desire. 

Isaac understands that Bri is now married. He doesn't understand at this point that he could one day have half brothers and sisters if Bri and her new husband, Robert, have children. This is exciting for me because Bri is also adopted. This means that the only person Isaac has in his life that is genetically related to him is Bri. It will be exciting if he has other brothers and sisters genetically related to him.

We do not fear the future in regards to Isaac's adoption. We do not believe that adopted children have any bigger issues than biological children.

When a child is "troubled" and biological, no one says, "Oh, it must be because they are biologically related to their parent." Why then do they say, "Oh, it must be because they are adopted?" We very well could have one of our biological children give us much more of a headache then Isaac. We will not attribute any "issues" any of our kids may or may not have to anything other than their choices -- not their genes.

I'd love to answer more questions on this topic. If you have any, please feel free to leave them in the comments. Any kind question will be kindly answered!

Adoption commercial

A tad corny but worth sharing:

Adoption Congratulations

On February 24, our friends Kristen and Aaron welcomed their third adopted miracle: Caleb James joined their family weighing in at 5 lbs 8 oz and 19 inches long. Aaron and Kristen were friends of ours in Rochester and are two amazing people. I am so excited for them that adoption has blessed their lives yet again!

If at first you don't succeed ...

Before trying to have kids, I'd never failed at anything. Though I still believe in planning and hard work, it was something else that brought me my two beautiful boys.

By: Emily Liebert

To read this article in its entirety, click here.

My parents always told me that I could accomplish whatever I put my mind to as long as I worked hard enough. Surprisingly, I listened. So when my husband and I decided, after two years of marriage, that we were ready to have kids, it never occurred to us that we couldn't make it happen. Sure, we'd heard stories from friends and family about how it took so-and-so a year to conceive. But, obviously, that wouldn't be us.

Three months later, when I held my positive pregnancy test in the air like a badge of honor, neither my husband nor I were particularly surprised. Immediately, we told everyone in our family, and I called my OB/GYN to make what I assumed would be the first of many appointments over the next nine months. The following morning, just for kicks, I took the second test from the box. I figured a little confirmation never hurt. Only this time, the test read: NOT PREGNANT. Huh? It felt like an affront. How dare the pregnancy test speak to me that way! Clearly, it was wrong.

Only it wasn't. And that was my introduction to the "chemical pregnancy"—a term applied when a woman miscarries less than a week or so after a missed menstrual cycle. Naturally, my husband and I were discouraged, but we were not defeated. Sure enough, three months later I got pregnant for the second time. But, again, I had a chemical pregnancy. I started to get anxious.

After seven months of Clomid with no results, I decided I needed something stronger, better, something that would work. Enter the IUI. A dozen of them, to be precise. And still, NOT PREGNANT. Why was this happening to me? I was working hard at it! According to my parents, that was the secret.

In the meantime, it seemed like everyone I knew was calling me with the "exciting news" that they were expecting. Everywhere I looked—on the street, on TV, even at my own family gatherings—all I saw were women with swollen bellies. I was a failure; something I'd never been before.

We turned to IVF. Three rounds. Roughly 200 shots. The result? One more chemical pregnancy. I hit an all-time low.

A Change of Plans
That's when a flash of inspiration hit. Adoption! Why hadn't I thought of it before? My husband and I wanted to start a family. It didn't matter to us whether or not the child was genetically related. I almost felt silly for having wasted so much time and money pursuing fertility treatments and hyping myself on hormones for so long. I started to research adoption agencies that day.

In April 2009, we attended an information session at our chosen agency. Squeezing each other's hands through the various speeches, we knew our prayers were finally going to be answered. For the next four months, we worked feverishly to fill out stacks of forms, collect character letters from friends and colleagues, and complete our home visit, among the many requirements in the adoption process. We were trying to sprint, knowing full well that we were running a marathon. By August, we were finally dubbed an "approved and waiting family." They told us 15 months was the average wait time. Of course, we hoped it would be shorter, but were comforted by the fact that the result could be nothing but positive.

Two Curve Balls
Two months went by and we heard nothing from our agency. We went about our lives as usual until the morning of October 15, 2009. As I lay in bed, waiting for my husband to get out of the shower and head to work, so I could do the same, the phone rang. I picked up and heard my OB/GYN's urgent voice: "Emily, my colleague delivered a baby yesterday. The mother wants to place her child with a loving family. If you and Lewis want the opportunity to adopt him, come to the hospital right now."

Suddenly, our marathon turned into the sprint we'd unknowingly been preparing for. Four days later, we took home our son Jaxsyn. One week after that, I got pregnant the old-fashioned way with our son Hugo. Two boys, nine-and-a-half months apart. I dare you to try to make it happen!

If we've learned anything from this experience, it's that you can work hard, you can set forth a plan, and you can hope that it will produce the desired outcome. The thing is, life throws curve balls. In our case, two. The most wonderful curve balls we've ever fielded. EMILY LIEBERT is the author of Facebook Fairytales and the novel You Knew Me When. She lives with her family in Westport, Connecticut.

Home

When you finally bring your child home, yes, you will feel elated. But many new adoptive moms and dads are surprised by the complex emotions that can sit on the outskirts of that joy—from lingering sadness about infertility to echoes of failed matches to becoming a parent literally overnight.

By: Joni S. Mantell, MSW

To read this article in its entirety, click here.

You are finally home with your newly adopted child, and you're thrilled—but what are those other feelings layered behind that joy? Adoptive moms and dads may have experiences and emotions, like previous failed expectant mother matches, unequal maternity leave, or residual feelings about infertility, that can complicate the passage to parenthood.

Unlike full-blown post-adoption depression syndrome (PADS), in which overwhelming despair, panic, a sense of disconnection from your child, and sometimes even frightening feelings and thoughts occur, the sadness of post-adoption blues is more subtle, and alternates with, or exists right next to, truly positive feelings about parenting. These lighter shades of blue, which are much more common than PADS, can be just as isolating. After all, your dream has come true! Any tinge of guilt, sadness, shame, or dissatisfaction during what is supposed to be a joyous time is unexpected, and makes the blues hard to talk about.

Understanding the unique factors in adoption that complicate new-mommy or new-daddy feelings, and knowing that you're far from alone, can pave the way for self-compassion and, often, swift relief. Adoptive parents share what they experienced, and how they worked through it.

THE INFERTILITY FACTOR
Becoming a parent after infertility is profound and unique. Facing infertility involves grieving the pregnancy and birth experience, and a biological connection with your child, and these feelings may not be fully resolved by the time you adopt. If such feelings run alongside your joy in your new baby, understand that being human involves having more than one feeling at a time. As a mom from New York City says, "I felt some incompleteness because I didn't go through the birthing process. At the same time, I feel deep gratitude for a successful adoption. I think it's a part of coming full circle to acknowledge both the joy and unexpected sadness that comes."

In fact, newer grief models recognize that grief is not linear; it does not need to reach a point of punctuation. It naturally ebbs and flows over the life cycle as different aspects of the loss emerge. We've also learned that acknowledging these feelings is the best way to get them to diminish over time.

Residual feelings take time to heal. "I was so shaken up by the failure of our medical treatments that I could not stop thinking about what might go wrong during the adoption process," says Alison J., of Princeton, New Jersey. "Now I want to enjoy our daughter, but I feel anxious and worried about her." Deborah, of Lambertville, New Jersey, says, "After we brought our son home, I would cry easily for no identifiable reason. It was as if I had tapped into a deep pool of emotions. Everything I'd held in for so long was released."

Losses may be triggered. Michele P., of Cranbury, New Jersey, says she was "stunned when the finality of our never having a biological child hit me at exactly the same time our baby came home."

FEELING UNACKNOWLEDGED
Our society's welcoming rituals, and even its policies, can be very different for adoptive mothers, compared to those typically enjoyed by pregnant mothers.

Different treatment from friends and family. Women may feel slighted when friends and family don't throw the same kind of baby shower they threw for their sister-in-law. Frequently, it is the preadoptive parents who ask their loved ones to hold off on throwing a shower or buying baby gifts, due to their trepidation. All the same, embarking on parenting without the typical fanfare can sting.

Some parents find that others amplify their anxiety about the adoption. A New York City mom says, "When I told my mom that we made contact with a birth mom, were making an adoption plan, and preparing for the arrival of our son, she said, ‘Don't buy too much.' It felt like she had said, ‘Don't get your hopes up, it might not happen,' and that hurt." A pregnant friend said something similar to Nancy, in Skillman, New Jersey. She replied: "What you are saying to me is akin to my saying to you, ‘Yeah, but you don't need to buy that because you might have a miscarriage.' I just want to feel like a normal mom. If the adoption fails, it won't be the drawer of baby clothes that upsets me."

Samantha, a mother from Princeton, New Jersey, concedes, "Almost nothing people did or said would have been ‘right.' I felt like a failure after losing so many pregnancies, and I was very sensitive to reactions that might be construed—by my paranoid mind—as judging me or my child to be ‘less than.'"

Maternity leave is a hot button. The leave women receive from their employers is commonly called "maternity leave," but technically it is "short-term disability leave" and is tied to pregnancy and birth. Some adoptive parents are fortunate enough to work for a company that offers adoption leave. Parents who work for a large enough company are entitled to FMLA (Family and Medical Leave Act) time, but that is unpaid leave. Parents who don't qualify for FMLA generally have to cobble together vacation time and sick or personal days, and still rarely get the same amount of time off to bond that mothers who gave birth are routinely granted.

A mother from New York City says: "Our lives were turned upside down in a span of three weeks—virtually no time to prepare a nursery, hire a reliable baby nurse, or even pick out paint colors. I found it blisteringly ironic that this was not considered a ‘disability' worthy of paid time off, while time off after giving birth was a given. Sure, we were ‘allowed' to take time off, but it was not paid and it was not equal."

AWARENESS OF THE "OTHER" PARENTS
When you become a parent through adoption, you know that there is another parent, or set of parents, who might have been parenting save for a different set of circumstances. Whether or not they know these other parents, many adoptive moms and dads feel guilty or sad on their behalf, or feel obligated to them.

Empathy for birth parents is common. "It was a terrible feeling to want to be a mother and, at the same time, feel that I had hurt another woman who might have been a wonderful mother to the same child under different circumstances," one new mom says.

Julia, from New Jersey, recalls, "When my daughter's birth father described his hopes for her and talked about how much he loved her, tears streamed down my face. When the day came for them to terminate their parental rights, my daughter's birth mom signed her first name, broke down, wept, and then pulled herself together to sign her last name. I can't tell this story without crying myself. Taking custody of my daughter after this, I felt incredibly relieved, but I did not feel happy for myself. My heart was grieving for her birth mother and birth father." After she was home with her child, says Julia, she "began to enjoy my child and feel happy that I finally was a mom."

A mother from New York City says, "My son's birth mother had become like a sister to me during our match. When he was born, I could not hold him or go to him—I only cared that his birth mother was OK. Upon returning home, I was extremely sad. I was able to care for my son, but I had to admit that I was not in love with him. I felt like I was raising someone else's child and, even worse, that I had taken a child from his mother." She reports that she fell in love with her son after a few months. It helped to "understand that his birth mother needed us to raise him as much as we wanted to be parents."

Wanting to please your child's birth parents. Diane, from Bordentown, New Jersey, reports that her child's birth mother visited at the hotel several times. "I felt so anxious that she feel confident that I was the right choice to raise her baby."

Kevin O., from Brooklyn, says, "Our son's birth mother went into labor two months pre-term, so he spent five weeks in the NICU, during which time I was never alone with my son. When I got home, I found that, for a long time, I felt ‘watched.' The twist was that, at home, I felt monitored by the imaginary eyes of his birth mother, too. I wondered if other adoptive parents felt the ‘auditioning' continue after winning the part. Our first post-adopt visit with our son's birth mother released me of a lot of these feelings. I could see that she trusted me to raise him well."

Sorting through etiquette and setting boundaries. Carla, of central New Jersey, felt confused and upset when her son's birth mother referred to herself as his mom and said, "Call me if he is sick." She was finally able to discuss this with her directly, saying, "I am just getting used to being his mom and I feel uncomfortable when you call yourself his mom, too. Can you use a different term?" The conversation was difficult, but it paved the way for an honest relationship going forward.


INSTA-PARENTHOOD
In adoption, it's common for the timeline to be unclear, or even nonexistent. When the process and match happen sooner than expected, the "insta-parents" feel a great flood of emotions while having to deal with practicalities—scrambling to get everything they need, prepare a nursery, learn about baby care, and find a pediatrician, all with a baby in tow.

Feeling guilty about being unprepared. "Our adoption came with very little notice," says a mother from New Jersey. "While this was nothing short of miraculous and thrilling, it was tinged with anxiety and apprehension over how ill-prepared we were to actually bring the baby home."

Deliberately avoiding preparation. Even with an expectant mother's due date or a timeline for receiving a referral, it is not uncommon for pre-adoptive parents to protect themselves with an "if-this-works-out" mindset and to avoid taking any concrete steps, or even thinking of themselves as parents-to-be. Jane R., of Somerset, New Jersey, says, "While we had many months to prepare, we didn't. When we got the call, it was like an emergency situation. Friends and family had to buy everything for us while we flew off to meet our new son."

Diving right in with an older child. Feelings about insta-parenthood can be ramped up when the child you bring home is not a baby but a busy little boy or girl. "Jumping right into being an older parent of a mobile and very energetic toddler who wanted to experience everything was tough," says a mom from Skillman, New Jersey. "Carrying her, chasing her, dealing with bedtime was exhausting—I lost 10 pounds the first month she was home!" She notes that her feelings were compounded by a sense of isolation: "Before we adopted I worked, and had a lot of personal freedom. It helped to talk to other mom friends who had adopted, and find that they had the same feelings."



ECHOES OF FAILED MATCHES
False starts in adoption can range from never hearing back from an expectant mother after a first phone call to being at the baby's birth, and perhaps taking custody for a short time, before learning that the adoption will not go through. Experiences like these take time to get over, and can haunt a subsequent match.

• Recovering from dashed dreams. "I got so excited the first time we were matched," recalls Madeline S., of Hopewell, New Jersey. "I started to picture myself as a mommy, strolling with my baby in the park, dressing her. Then, when the expectant mother changed her mind, I had to abruptly switch off these feelings."

• Difficulty trusting in the match. It's common for parents to try to shut off their emotions after a failed match with an expectant mother, or to become hyper-vigilant. This kind of behavior, whether conscious or not, can turn the next match into an anxious or confusing time. A mother from central New Jersey says, "We thought our first match was perfect. I would say to people, ‘You never know with adoption if it will work out,' but, in truth, I was not preparing myself for that reality." When she later adopted her daughter, she "could not stop reading something into every little thing, as if it were a sign as to whether this would be our baby or not. I was exhausted before we brought her home."

• Letting go of what might have been. When one mom met her son, she carried sad memories about the disrupted adoption of a newborn she had held and cared for at the hospital a year earlier. "I felt guilty loving my son while this little girl was present in my heart," she says. "Knowing of this girl's difficult family situation, I also felt guilty about not being able to parent her. My husband and I kept checking Facebook to see if the family was OK." Her son is now four, and she says, "Honestly, it took a few years to stop thinking about the little girl. Then I felt guilty for not thinking about her, all the while adoring my son and feeling some disloyalty to him for such thoughts."

MOURNING THE "FIRSTS" YOU MISSED
When you adopt a child beyond the newborn stage, you were not there for his first cries, first tooth, first steps, and so on. Although it's natural to think about the firsts you missed, many parents choose to focus on (and document!) the firsts they're a part of: first ice cream, first day of school, first bike ride, first time driving a car.

Feeling sadness on your child's behalf. "My four-year-old, whom we adopted at 11 months, often asks to see her baby pictures and hear stories ‘about when I was a baby,'" says a mother from New Jersey. "Although I feel sad that the stories I can tell her are about when she was one year old, not an infant, she's OK with that. She loves any stories about herself at younger ages."

A mom from Skillman, New Jersey, says, "I do regret that we missed two-and-a-half years of my daughter's life. I feel bad that I didn't get to rock her and hold her as a baby and go through all those milestones…but mostly I feel sad for my daughter that she missed out on having that with us, too."

Wanting to make up for the time you missed. A New Jersey mom says, "I often think about what I missed in my daughter's first year. It's as if she's grown up too fast, because I didn't have that time with her. I babied her a bit, probably to compensate, and gave her a bottle until she was two. So, I clearly had sadness about not having experienced my daughter's infancy."

DIFFERENT LEVELS OF "MEMBERSHIP"
Your baby is here, and you're ready to join "the club," but some adoptive parents feel that they don't quite fit in when they begin socializing in this new context. If possible, befriending other adoptive parents can help.

Joining the world of families can be hard. "Feeling like I ‘belonged,' that I was a mother, was one of the hardest things for me," says a mother in Brooklyn, who adopted domestically. "There are babies everywhere where I live—something like 52 born in November just in my immediate neighborhood. I left the first gathering of November moms in tears. I couldn't relate to any of the conversation—labor stories, breastfeeding challenges, and so on."

Deciding who and how much to tell about the adoption.  Moms are quick to ask each other, "Where was he born? How was the delivery?" This kind of small talk brings unexpected social pressure to some new adoptive parents. Rachel, from New York, says, "I just want to blend in and be like all the other moms. Answering, ‘Texas' and ‘the delivery was fine' may be factually correct, but it feels disingenuous."

Laura, of Princeton, New Jersey, shares the adoption of her son "with everyone, to pre-empt the questions and reduce my awkwardness." Erin, of Robbinsville, New Jersey, strikes a middle ground, stating, "I decide whom I want to be intimate friends with and who is just a playground friend for now. I trust my instincts about whom to open up to." Parents who adopted transracially, of course, may not get to decide whether to share or not.


FEELING MOER CENTERED, AT LAST
Time to adjust, compassion for yourself, loving your child, busying yourself with the everyday demands of parenting, and connecting with other adoptive parents will get you through the blues.

It helps to keep expectations realistic. Some parents-after-infertility feel guilty when they are tired or overwhelmed by caring for their babies or miss having a quiet dinner, as if they are not entitled to normal new-parent feelings, since they went to such great lengths to adopt their child. Being a parent is exhausting at times. Period. You are entitled to grouse about 3 a.m. feedings.

Your family's happiness can feel like pressure. "All my friends and family were SO excited and happy for us to finally have our daughter home. When they asked, ‘How is everything going?' no one wanted to hear about the screaming at night, the grief my daughter had, the adjustment and difficulty of the bonding process. They wanted to hear, ‘Everything is great!'" says one mom who adopted a toddler. "Even during the trip to Korea, when I was playing with my daughter on day two in the hotel, my stepmom said, ‘Oh, look, she's already bonded to you.' Of course, nothing could have been further from the truth, and I knew that, yet everyone around me seemed to expect immediate bonding and over-the-moon happiness."

Complicated feelings are understandable because, as one mom from New York City says, "Your world changes completely, sometimes literally overnight. You know that you love this little being looking up at you, and you think, 'I wish I had had you,' because the bond is so real. Making peace with the fact that you did not give birth to this wonder can be a tough pill to swallow. With time and perspective, you realize that you DID give birth—you gave birth to the idea and to the process that landed this little miracle in your arms, a labor of love that often takes much longer than nine months. And all that ‘I wish it had been me' turns into ‘it is me. It is me every day.'"