The following post was written on January 19, 2007. It was the first time I acknowledged publicly on my Daily Blog that my husband and I were going to begin looking into adoption. Click here to read this post as it originally ran on my daily blog.
I have been very clear on this blog in the past that I preferred people not discuss adoption with me unless I bring it up.
This is not because JB and I do not plan to adopt. Even before we were married, we often discussed adoption and had plans to add to our family through adoption. Even before we knew conceiving on our own would be difficult, we planned to participate in adoption.
However, discussing adoption before someone is ready is a very sticky situation. It is especially sticky when the person who brings it up has children. We want to have a biological child. We still want that very much. Discussing adoption before someone is ready can be very painful. It can feel like people are giving up on your "pursuit" of a biological child.
I still cling to that advice. Do NOT under any circumstances discuss adoption with an infertile friend until they bring it up.
That being said, I am bringing it up.
JB and I have always moved forward on this infertility journey only when we were at the same point. Recently, we have seemed to come to the same point at the same time. We feel that we are ready to begin exploring the possibility of adoption. This does not mean we are going to stop infertility treatments. We plan, without question, to give all ten of our remaining "sticky babies" a chance at life. And it is our prayer that we do not lose even one more child. It also doesn't mean that we are adopting next week. Far from it. We are simply exploring.
Now before you say, "I have a friend who adopted and after she adopted she got pregnant ..." please refrain. That is one of the statements that infertile women hate to hear. Statistics in fact indicate that less than 1% of women get pregnant after they adopt. It seems like more because those are the stories you remember. While it does happen, it is the exception and not the rule. And if it happens to us, we are the exception. That statement seems to relate to the idea that if you are relaxed and not trying to get pregnant, you will. For someone like me, all the relaxing in the world doesn't change the fact that my body doesn't release an egg. While stress can affect pregnancy chances, it plays a very minor role.
That being said, please know that we are still believing and asking God EVERY DAY to have a biological child. We will not stop asking for that, and we believe in our hearts, that one day we will have a biological child. However, we have also come to a point that we believe adoption will enrich our family and that we can provide a good home for a child. We did not want to adopt to "fill a hole". We wanted to adopt when we felt that hole was filled, and we were adopting for the right reasons. I believe that I am at a point that we would be doing it for the right reasons.
Okay, so back to adoption. I am writing this post simply to inform my friends and family and other visitors that we are now discussing adoption. There are a lot of things to consider. On February 17th, we are going to attend a seminar in the Cities with ADOPTION WORLD. This is the group that Steven Curtis Chapman adopted through, and I just have such peace when I go to their website and read through their information packet. If we decide to adopt internationally, I think it is very probable we will use this group.
Actually, one of the the first steps in adoption is deciding whether or not you want to do domestic vs. international adoption. The women at Hannah's Prayer really helped me sort out where to begin. One of the women provided the list below to ascertain whether domestic or international adoption is for you. I thought it was really helpful.
1) Risk of birth-parent changing their mind (domestic) vs. virtually no risk (international)
2) Birth-mother choosing you (domestic) or choosing your child (international)
3) Some relationship with birth-family (domestic) or no relationship (international)
4) Length of wait - unknown (domestic) or 'some-what' of a set time-frame (international)
5) Becoming an international family (international)
6) Medical history (domestic) or little/no medical history (international)
7) Age at adoption - newborn (domestic) or between 9 and 12 months old (international)
So, anyways, I write this blog to tell you that we are definitely planning to proceed with our May 31st transfer. That is a for-sure. However, we are also exploring the possibility of moving forward with adoption while continuing to do infertility treatments. If we get pregnant at any point along the way, the adoption process would just be "halted". Most agencies and countries require your youngest child to be at least 6 months old before an adopted child enters your home. We may also decide to "halt" additional transfers while we pursue adoption. We are simply going to let the Lord lead. We know we are going to adopt. We just don't know what His timing is yet. We also may decide to do an additional "harvest" for IVF somewhere down the road. However, we think we will adopt prior to that. And of course, we continue to believe that the Lord will allow me to get pregnant without infertility treatments -- something that only He can do.
I just thought it important to tell people that I am okay with discussing adoption now. JB and I are on the same page, and we are excited about adding to our family through adoption. We don't know if it will be after, during, or before we have our own biological child. However, in speaking with my Dad while in Florida he reminded me that having an adopted child doesn't change God's mind about giving us a biological child. It doesn't say, "Lord I'm giving up on praying for a biological child." We will continue to pray for that forever.
Other than that, I can provide you with no answers. We are not sure if we will do international or domestic or if we do international what country we will do. Each country has its own rules. Fortunately JB and I fit into most every country's rules (number of divorces, number of years married, over 30 years of age, health, weight, financial status etc.) The countries also vary in how much they cost as well. The only "decision" we have sort of made is that we would like to adopt a younger child (probably under a year). In the future, we may adopt older children, but we want experience at parenting "from the ground up" first. We would also want to be a bit older before we adopt older children.
Lots to think about and plenty of time to think. However, you will probably be seeing some of my "thinking" on the blog so I thought it fair to let you know the thinking is going on.
Life is quite an adventure, huh?
