Off to Vermont

Our little man is growing up.

So when Joni (his birth grandmother) mentioned that her father-in-law,/ Bri's grandfather / her husband Roy's father, "Pa" who just turned 93 years old, really wanted to meet Isaac, we took it to heart.

Pa lives in Vermont. So does all of Roy's family. While Isaac has met a lot of Joni's family, he has not yet met any of Roy's family.

We could wait until we are able to go with him. One year. Maybe two.

Or we could let him go.

We prayed about it. We thought about it. We talked about. We asked Isaac about it.

Joni offered to take both boys. But we immediately nixed that idea. Sidge is not emotionally ready to travel without Dad and Mom. He still gets overly emotional and has meltdowns. And, well, two boys is, two boys. Two boys fight. Two boys need to go to the bathroom at different times. One boy is obviously easier.

Isaac, on the other hand, is a seasoned traveler. Other than a little spooky feelings about dark rooms when he sleeps, he is easy-going and chill about most everything.

And he loves his Joni. We know he'll do great travelling with Roy and Joni.

So we said yes. It was like, we wanted a reason to say no. I wanted to say he had to stay with me. But I knew he didn't. I knew it was okay. And I knew I would be sad if, for some reason, he never got to meet Pa. JB is still in the Azores. I have three kids here. It would be a week that I only had two. A week that all three kids could get a little more one-on-one. It was good timing.

So this week, he'll take a trip to Vermont. Six nights away from me. But nearly a week getting to meet people that are a part of his heart -- even if he doesn't know them yet.

We looked back. Thought back. We can only come up with one day in their entire lives that Sidge and Isaac have not slept in the same room together. And that one night was when we moved to the Azores. When the military made JB fly all the way back to the USA with Scrubby. He took Isaac with him. I took Sidge and Abigail and flew commercially with them. The only night they haven't been together.

It's going to be weird. JB said he wanted to make sure Isaac went and came back before baby got here. So he's going next week -- two weeks before baby's intended arrival. He'll be back one week later -- a few days before JB flies in from the Azores.

I know this is part of Isaac's story. I know that allowing him to go is part of him knowing who he is and loving the story that the Lord has written for him. I know he will have an awesome time. I know that he will be as safe as safe can be. I know that he is old enough to lock these things in his memory and carry them with him.

But I'll miss him. It won't be the same without him sharing a bed with his brother. It won't be the same making only two plates for lunch. Putting two kids into the car. Instead of three.

But I know we made the right decision.

Vermont, here he comes!

 

To read this article as it originally appeared on my Daily Blog, click here.

Isaac and "Pa"

Isaac and "Pa"

Today he comes home.

But yesterday he got to meet "Pa."

I think it is interesting that little brother Sidge saw this picture and said, "That wooks wike Woy." (i.e. That looks like Roy.)

Yep. Pa is Roy's Dad. You won't see any family resemblance to Isaac since Isaac's birth mother, Bri, was also adopted. But this is still his birth great grandfather! And he got to meet him! Way cool.

It may be difficult for people who are not adoptive parents to understand that this excites me. When Isaac gets to spend time with his birth mother Bri's family, I am blessed by this. My heart is happy that he will always know the truth of his birth. He will feel included. He will feel loved by extra people.

"Perhaps an adoptive parent faces sooner what every parent must face eventually: Our children are not ours; they belong to themselves. What will keep them visiting us joyfully when they are grown is the quality of our relationship, not biology." -- Judy Rader

But now, I am just anxiously awaiting his return to my arms! We have really missed Isaac around here. Time to come home big brudder!

Officially Forever; BOI Update

On Friday, August 9, 2013, our very first Because of Isaac family: Grant and Elizabeth, had the adoptions of their twins: Ethan and Eli finalized. This means that Ethan and Eli are now, forever their little boys! We are celebrating with a huge overhaul of our website. Please take the time to visit: www.becauseofisaac.org to see for yourself all the changes that have taken place.

We currently have only one sponsored couple on the page. If you have not given a donation to Ryan & Briana, would you consider doing so? A gift in ANY amount if incredibly appreciated. They have passed the halfway point for their fundraising but still need to raise about $12,000 before their forever family dreams come true!

Adoption Myths (and the truths)

Information from this article was gathered from the The National Center for Health Statistics.

Some misconceptions about adoption trouble prospective birth parents and adoptive families. For instance, adoptive parents may wonder if they will love an adopted child as much as a biological child; birth parents may worry that their child will have ill feelings toward them. Outside the adoption community, little has been done to change these perceptions.

However, the U.S. Department of Health released adoption statistics from a 2007 National Survey of Adoptive Parents. The evidence refutes common misconceptions about adoption, as the adoption statistics prove many widespread misconceptions are false.

There is no doubt in my mind that adopted children are actually loved as much or more than biological children. Obviously, there are cases where this is not accurate. However, the amount of paperwork and money and requirements that adoptive families must adhere to truly weeds out people who are not serious about what they are doing. Take some of these stats to heart:

• Nearly 3 of every 4 adopted children ages 0-5 are read or sung to everyday, while only half of non-adopted children receive the same attention from their biological parents.
• Well more than half of all adopted children eat dinner with their families at least six days per week.
• Adoption statistics show that more than 90 percent of adopted children ages 5 and older have positive feelings about their adoption.
• Today, 100 percent of birth mothers choose the amount of openness in the adoption and select a family that meets her request. Thus, 67 percent of private adoptions today have pre-adoption agreements for a semi-open or open adoption.
• But the adoption world has changed: today, 99 percent of adopted children ages 5 and older know that they were adopted.
• In truth, 85 percent of adopted children are rated to have “excellent” or “very good” health while 82 percent of non-adopted children have the same rating, according to

Misconception: “Will the adopted child be loved as much as a biological child?”

Adoptive families and birth parents may share this concern before the adoption. Fears of the adoptive family not loving an adopted child are eliminated as soon as they first lay eyes on their baby in nearly every adoption.

Look at how adoptive parents interact with adopted children: nearly 3 of every 4 adopted children ages 0-5 are read or sung to everyday, while only half of non-adopted children receive the same attention from their biological parents. Furthermore, well more than half of all adopted children eat dinner with their families at least six days per week.

At first glance, these adoption statistics may not seem important, but they show how adoptive parents cherish the time they have with their children. They appreciate the opportunity to be a parent every day.

Couples with infertility have an astounding appreciation for parenthood. Adoption grants their dreams of raising a child, and their love shows in the little things like reading before bed.

The study says that 9 out of every 10 adoptive couples said the relationship they share with their adopted child is “very close.” Nearly half said that the relationship is “better than expected.” More than 9 of every 10 adoptive parents said they would “definitely” make the same decision to adopt.

Misconception: “My child will hate me because I placed him or her for adoption.”

This concern is perpetuated by the media and people with no adoption experience. A family member or friend may not agree with a pregnant woman’s desire to place her child for adoption and may say that the child will hate her if she does so. Some TV shows and movies have unjustly portrayed adoptees this way as well.

The adoption statistics show that more than 90 percent of adopted children ages 5 and older have positive feelings about their adoption.

Misconception: “Once I place my baby for adoption, I will never see her again.”

At one time, this was reality. It was thought that the adoption process was easier for everyone if the birth mother went on with her life not knowing anything about her child. However, the past several decades have changed openness in adoption.

Now most adoption professionals agree that a semi-open adoption – in which pictures and letters are exchanged through adoption professional mediation after the adoption – creates healthy relationships. Many adoptions are even more open. Keeping some contact with the adoptive family gives the birth mother peace of mind that she made the right decision.

Today, 100 percent of birth mothers choose the amount of openness in the adoption and select a family that meets her request. Thus, 67 percent of private adoptions today have pre-adoption agreements for a semi-open or open adoption.

Misconception: “My child won’t know that she was adopted.”

In the past, adoption was very “hush-hush.” A birth mother wouldn’t tell anyone she was pregnant. In some situations, she even moved elsewhere to have the baby and place him or her for adoption. Meanwhile, adoptive parents often didn’t tell their child that he or she was adopted.

But the adoption world has changed: today, 99 percent of adopted children ages 5 and older know that they were adopted.

More Adoption Statistics About Birth Mothers*

• Women who place a child for adoption have higher educational aspirations, are more likely to finish school and are less likely to live in poverty or receive public assistance than mothers who keep their children.
• Women who place a child delay marriage longer, are more likely to eventually marry and are less likely to divorce.
• Women who place a child are more likely to be employed 12 months after the birth and less likely to repeat out-of-wedlock pregnancy.
• Women who place a child are no more likely to suffer negative psychological consequences, such as depression, than are mothers who rear children as single parents.

Misconception: “Adopted children are not as healthy as non-adopted children.”

This misconception stems from inaccurate stereotypes of birth mothers. Some worry that a birth mother won’t take care of herself during pregnancy if she is placing the baby for adoption and wonder if the child will grow up with poor health.

In truth, 85 percent of adopted children are rated to have “excellent” or “very good” health while 82 percent of non-adopted children have the same rating.

Misconception: “Adoption agencies withhold relevant medical information about the adoption, birthmother and child.”

State adoption facilities once thought it better to withhold medical records. They thought that the child would have a better chance of being adopted if medical records were withheld, but this practice did more harm than good.

After lawsuits and a shift in perception, state governments, private agencies and many state laws and regulations now mandate that all known medical information be disclosed to the adoptive family. This information is extremely important for an adoptive family to watch for health concerns in the adopted child.

Other General Adoption Statistics

• In 2007, 38 percent of children adopted in the U.S. were adopted through private domestic adoption, 37 percent were adopted through foster care and 25 percent were adopted internationally.
• 62 percent of children adopted privately are placed with the adoptive family when they are newborns or less than one year old.
• Roughly a fifth of private adoptions are transracial.
• 88 percent of adoptive parents describe themselves as a “happy” couple, while 83 percent of non-adoptive parents describe themselves as a “happy” couple.
• While stats vary, generally , more than 95 percent of adoptive families have a high school education, and more than 90 percent have a bachelor’s degree. Nationally, adoptive parents have high school and/or secondary education in 79 percent of private domestic adoptions.
• Adopted children ages 6-11 are just as likely to read leisurely as non-adopted children.
• 85 percent of privately adopted children ages 6-17 engage in extracurricular activities.
• Many agencies report 100 percent of children in their agency are placed in two-parent homes, obviously higher than societal norms.
• Adopted children are more likely to live in neighborhoods that are safe, that have amenities and that are in good physical condition than are non-adopted children.

Growing Up Adopted: A Look at Health, Happiness of Adopted Children

All information (except for "More general adoption statistics on the birth mother") is taken from the U.S. Department of Health’s 2007 National Survey of Adoptive Parents (NSAP): (http://aspe.hhs.gov/hsp/09/NSAP/chartbook/chartbook.cfm?id=1)

*Source: McLaughlin SD, Manninen DL, Winges LD, Do Adolescents Who Relinquish Their Children Fare Better or Worse Than Those Who Raise Them? Family Planning Perspectives, 20:1 (Jan. - Feb. 1998), pp. 25-32

Secret Daughter: A Novel

Secret Daughter: A Novel

She slips into the hallway, but rather than stopping at the bathroom, she keeps walking right through the front door, getting tangled in the blue balloons as she runs past them and down the driveway. She sits down on the street curb. She cannot face it all again. She can’t go through the baby food tasting contest, or the “guess how big Gabi’s tummy is” game. She can’t watch every one oohing and ahhing over each darling little outfit. She can’t listen to the women discussing stretch marks and labor pains as rites of passage. Everyone acts as if being a woman and a mother are inextricably intertwined. A fair assumption, since she made it herself. Only now does she know it’s an enormous lie.

And then Somer realizes that there has been a line drawn. For her, it was the miscarriage that she had suffered. A moment where she and her husband Krishnan had realized that life may not play the way they thought it would.

Now, sitting alone on a suburban sidewalk instead of drinking blue punch, Somer knows that day, three years ago, has become the dividing line of her life. Before that miscarriage, she remembers being happy – with her work, the house with a view of the Golden Gate Bridge, the friends they saw on weekends. It seemed enough. But since that day, she has felt as if something is missing, something so immense and powerful that it overwhelms everything else. With each passing year and every negative pregnancy test, that void in their lives has grown until it has become an unwelcome member of their family, wedging itself between her and Krishnan.

Sometimes she wishes she could return to the naïve happiness of their earlier life. But mostly, she aches to go forward, to a place her body doesn’t seem willing to take her.

I was a huge fan of this book. The infertility and adoption mixed with cultural aspects of life abroad (India) kept me reading cover-to-cover. If you are dealing with intense infertility, this might be a bit too painful for you to deal with right now.

Beginner's Adoption Guide

Since "relocating" to Ramstein, I have gotten into two separate conversations (at the playground of all places) about adoption. I am very careful, now that Isaac is three, not to bring up his adoption when he is near. Not that he doesn't or won't know he is adopted. But because I don't want him to hear, repeatedly, "Yes. They are very close in age. It's because one is adopted and one is biological." JB and I just don't think that is healthy fodder for such a little guy. We want discussion of his adoption to be something he chooses to discuss.

But as he wanders away, I will often be more upfront with the conversation and questions. I want people to be able to ask me about infertility. Those five years that we spent in the pits of despair are part of the woman and mom I have become. I want people to be able to ask me about adoption. I want to help point them in the right direction and share the cold, hard truth: there is NO difference between a biological and adopted child. I consider myself an advocate about both topics, but I do believe that the miracle of adoption is where my heart is currently truly residing.

But the truth is, while infertility and adoption are my two "causes", they are not related issues. They are different. They are unique.

It's important to remember that adoption is not a "cure" for infertility. Sarah Kelly, an adoptive mom and freelance writer living in New York said it better than I ever could. "... I made sure I wasn't using adoption as a replacement for having a biological child. Adoption is separate from infertility. It isn't the answer. In fact, the only aspect the unite the two in my mind is the common desired result: to be a parent. Which is why you cannot tell someone to 'just adopt.' As if there were anything 'just' about it. It's not like, 'Hmm, what should I do today? Oh, I know! I'd love to fill out 500 government forms! ... The complicated process aside, before making a new map for your life and choosing to adopt, you need to go as far as you feel comfortable going with treatment, mourn not being pregnant, and say goodbye to the future you assumed you'd have. While I'd love to say to my friend, 'I know how much you're hurting,' and 'Yes! there is light at the end of the tunnel if you adopt," I believe that we need to exhaust all hope until, well, until it exhausts us."

I have been contemplating creating some sort of "brochure" for adoption questions, resources, and information. I hear the same questions so often and often wish I just had something I could whip out of the diaper bag and share with people. Or at least something I could email them when our time at the park is through.

So here is my rough draft of adoption questions in as concise a format as I can muster. (The following information was obtained from The Adoption Guide 2011.)

How much does adoption cost?

• The majority of domestic newborn adoptions cost between $20,000 and $35,000.
• International adoptions average more than $25,000.
• U.S. foster adoption is the least expensive adoption route, by a significant margin, with an average cost of less than $5,000. (During 2009, 57,000 children were adopted from the foster care system. An all-time high.) There are currently 115,000 children waiting to be adopted in the foster care system. Most people have grave concerns about adopting these "troubled" children. The Adoption Guide 2011 has a whole section addressing concerns of people contemplating this option.
• 35 percent of domestic adopters had at least one "false start," in which adoptive parents worked with one or more birthmothers before a match that succeeded. The majority (71%) of "false starts" cost less than $5,000.

How can I afford to adopt?

• Thank you to President Obama for continuing with the tax relief bill brought in under George W. Bush. The bill is now good through the end of 2012 and provides families who adopt a maximum of $13,360 in tax reimbursement. This means just what it says. If you spend $15,000 on an adoption, you will receive all but $1,640 in reimbursement. (Please visit this link to help make this a permanent inclusion in our country's tax laws.)
• Many states have state tax credits for adoptive families. Contact your state adoption unit for more information.
• Children with special needs may be eligible for reimbursement of adoption-related expenses. Click here for more information.
• Families who adopt from the public system might be eligible for reimbursement of adoption-related expenses. Find out more here.
• Military families are eligible for a $2,000 reimbursement for adoption expenses. Read more here.
• Some employers offer a reimbursement program. You can lobby your employer for reimbursements. In addition, here is a guide to adoption-friendly work environments.
• You can get loans to finance your adoption. Some are no-interest.
• Some adoption agencies and organizations offer grants and low-interest loans.

What are the different "types" of adoptions?

• Adopting a domestic infant via an adoption agency. These adoptions can be closed (no contact with birth family), semi-open (some contact), or open (unlimited contact). Our adoption with Isaac's birth family is completely open being as we knew the family beforehand.
• Adopting an infant privately. You locate the birthmom privately, usually with the help of a lawyer. Of the estimated 25,000 to 30,000 annual domestic newborn adoptions, at least half are done independently, without an agency. (This is how we adopted Isaac.) These adoptions can be closed, semi-open, or open.
• Adopting internationally. These adoptions are nearly always closed adoptions as usually, the child is orphaned or abandoned prior to adoption.
• Adopting from foster care.
• Check out page 12 of this document for a flow chart to help you make this decision
• Click here to take an online quiz to see what kind of adoption is right for you.
• Embryo adoption is another "form" of adoption even though it is not included in the above guides. It is often put into the ART (assisted reproductive technologies) side of things, but it does parallel both worlds.

How long will it take?

• Every adoption is very different. If you are adopting domestically, once you get on the waiting list with an agency or lawyer, adoption lengths can varry from days (really!) to years.
• With international adoptions, every country is different. Usually, when you begin the adoption process, you are given a pretty good idea of how long the adoption through that particular country and with that particular agency will take. However, changes can still occur in the wait time.

Are there special requirements that I must meet to adopt?

• There usually are requirements both with international and domestic adoptions. However, while you may not requirements for one agency or one country, it is unlikely that you will be unable to find an agency or country that will be a fit with you.
• For instance, some agencies require you to be married. Some allow singles to adopt. Other requirements can include: financial, mental, and physical stipulations. Again, do not let one agency or country turning you down dampen your spirits. I have yet to hear of someone who wanted to adopt not finding a country/agency that fit them.

What if the birth mother or father change their mind?

• One of the many fears some couples have when considering adoption is that the birth parents will change their minds and back out of the adoption. This fear is often perpetuated by television movies and dramatized news stories, further heightening this fear that can often lead couples away from the adoption decision. In domestic adoption, there is always a chance that the birth parents could change their minds. However, adoption law is clear; once the adoption is finalized, the child is recognized as the adoptive family's child by law. Although there have been a few highly publicized adoption cases in which the adoption was overturned after being finalized, the truth is that these cases were fraught with errors and legal missteps, making them invalid. These cases are rare and are exceptions. In the majority of adoptions finalized today, the birth parents have no rights to the child once the adoption is finalized.
• The time in which a birth parent may change their mind varies from state to state. In all cases, the birth parents are free to change their minds at any time prior to the birth of the child. This is a risk that couples in a domestic adoption do face. Once the baby is born and the birth parents sign their consent to the adoption, they may have a certain time frame in which they may revoke their consent. This time frame varies in each state. While some states consider the consent irrevocable upon signing, others give the birth parents a set number of days in which they may revoke their consent. Some states even require the birth parents to appear before a judge to give their consent to the adoption.(http://www.americanadoptions.com/adopt/article_view/article_id/3619)
• International adoption works completely differently as the child is available for adoption once the parents' rights have already been revoked. In addition, many of the children in the adoptive system internationally are oprhaned or abandoned.

Will I love the child the same?

• Being as I am a parent via womb and via adoption, I feel I have more "right" to speak ont this particular topic. I wrote a post on the process of bonding and how, for me, it was no different with either newborn I brought into my home.
• I love this quote: "Perhaps an adoptive parent faces sooner what every parent must face eventually: Our children are not ours; they belong to themselves. What will keep them visiting us joyfully when they are grown is the quality of our relationship, not biology." -- Judy Rader
• A family is defined as: "two or more people who share goals and values, have long-term commitments to one another, and rseide usually in the same dwelling place."

I will end by showing you two videos. One is a video I took just yesterday. The other was one I took over a year ago. Both show the same things. They show my two little boys playing. Laughing. Silly. They show my family. If you didn't know me personally, could you tell me which one of the children is adopted? Which one seems less adjusted or like they don't fit in? Which one brings me more or less joy? Adoption results in being a parent. Pregnancy results in the same thing.





Help me out readers! What else would you like to see on this guide?

Our Adoption Story Featured!

November is "National Adoption Month." And more specifically, November 17th is "National Adoption Day." I'll be having tons more on this during the month, but today, I wanted to share with you my excitement that the story of our own adoption has been featured on the national organization's website. Click here to read the story for yourself. (Please note that when I posted this, our story was at the top, but I don't believe it will stay there. So you may have to scroll down and look for: We Believe in Adoption."