Adoption Myth: Biological Families are the Best Families

Once upon a time, a sixteen year old girl finally talked a seventeen year old boy that she had known since she was nine, to fall in love with her:

Five years later, they were married, so blessed to be husband and wife and dreaming of raising a whole house of children together:

As the next ten years came and went, their marriage remained strong. But their dream of children slowly began to disappear. They pursued infertility treatments. Three failed clomid cycles, five failed artificial insemination (IUI) cycles, and four failed invitro fertilization (IVF) cycles left them so sick of seeing this:

Tired of the journey and weary from so many disappointments, they decided to find the highest maintenance and most energetic puppy they could find. Scrubs joined their family in July of 2007:

While they always believed adoption was in their future and they believed it would be great to parent through this means, in their heart of hearts, they believed that adoption was second best, and that not having a biological child would leave them always a bit "incomplete." But when a phone call from a family friend came and they were asked to adopt her son, their whole world changed:. On May 7, 2008, they were able to hold Isaac John for the very first time in the hospital nursery:

Isaac John was the light of their lives, and their misconception was quickly corrected. Adoption was not a second-best way to parent. It was parenting. It was the same. The love was identical. They knew this in every fiber of their being now that they had Isaac. He was their little boy. When Isaac was just six weeks old, John and Wendi discovered that they were eight weeks pregnant. Pregnant with no infertility treatments at all. (And while many people believe this is the norm, it is actually the exception.)

Eight months after Isaac joined their family, John and Wendi had the pleasure to introduce 8.5 month old big brother to Elijah Luke:

Life would never be the same:

The truth is, many people believe like John and Wendi did -- that biological parenthood is the best way or even the only way to become parents. That these families are the best types of families. That these children are the healthiest. That adopted children have more "issues" than biological children.

But this is a myth. It is not accurate. As Wendi wrote about in a previous post on her blog, the joys of parenting are not lessened, the trials no less intense, by the way in which your child joins your family. The bonding may be slightly different, but it still occurs and is just as intense. You are still Mom and Dad.

Two little boys live in John and Wendi's house today. Two little boys who are loved equally, punished individually, hugged separately (and sometimes together), and kissed and smothered with affection and identical intensity.

Parenthood is parenthood.

And it's awesome. No matter how it comes about.

For more information on infertility, please click here. This blog post is part of RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association's National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW). Click here for more information on this organization, the largest nationwide non-profit improving the lives of people diagnosed with infertility. This post is part of RESOLVE'S "Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge."

Adoption Photos

I'm a little against maternity photos.

Don't get me wrong. I appreciate the sentiment behind them. And if you remember, I did do some maternity photos with my friend Kara right before I delivered Elijah. You can click here to view them if you would like.

However, I think my photos were pretty tastefully done. They were more about family and celebrating the three of us before we became four. I didn't get half-naked or look lovingly into my husband's eyes.

Now please. Understand me. If you have done this, that is totally fine. I know some people are really into it. I think my discomfort with the idea really stemmed from a lot of our infertility. And John, even now, doesn't understand the point of the photos at all. It all seems strange to him.

But others enjoy it. The pictures are often very beautiful. And people like them. So that's fine.

However, I did get a kick out of a post recently sent to me by one of JB's medical school classmates. Lisa, sent me this link sometime ago. I think I went in for surgery shortly before or thereafter, and as a result, this got pushed into the background. But I've been meaning to share it for some time.

These are some photos taken for a couple preparing to adopt. They are designed to "mimic" maternity photos in a sort of a weird, twisted, and humorous way. I am not sure how I feel about the pictures, but since they are being done by a couple "in the know", I give a little more credence to them.

I'd love to hear what some of you fellow adoptive moms think of these.

Metaphorical Adoption Maternity Photos

Now pictures aside, I did find some of what the blog author wrote about adoption on her post very interesting. A few excerpts:

During the past year that I’ve known our friends. I’ve witnessed some of the more excruciatingly difficult and exquisitely painful moments that accompany the adoption process, while coming to terms with just how little most of us really understand about it. And it seems like one big part of being adoptive parents, no matter to whom, is having to play the role of benevolent public educator to an ignorant public who will take the existence of your children as some kind of personal challenge or display of moral one-upmanship.

And then there’s the obnoxious questions that will always follow them: why can’t you have children of your own? Don’t you know that they’re going to wonder why they look different from you? How much did they cost? Why didn’t their mother want them? What if there’s something wrong with them? What are you going to do with That Hair? You are going to induce lactation, aren’t you?
Even as an innocent bystander, these really raise my ire because of the amount of unthinking, condescending privilege that underscores them. I don’t know a single biological parent who’s had the very choice to give birth to their children questioned so constantly, and throughout her child’s life; you just don’t see pregnant ladies having to face an inquisition squad in line at the grocery checkout, full of people wondering why they didn’t choose to adopt? Couldn’t they have investigated foster care? Don’t they realize that there are already so many children already out there who need homes?

As you can imagine, a sense of humor is integral. And, at some point, Alana got the idea of taking a few metaphorical maternity photos, starring a large beach ball in lieu of a pregnant belly. This, after a couple of Google searches, led to the wide, bizarre, pretentious, tacky, often-naked, and always moodily black-and-white world of maternity portrait photography. And creative inspiration.

Anyways, I'd love to get some feedback from people on "both sides" of this issue. Does anyone else find the whole maternity photo a weird thing? Or is it simply because of my history that these strike me a bit funny?

And what about these adoptive photos? In good taste or sort of strange? No right answers here folks. Just something to think about.

And also something to remember. Adoptive moms have to answer a TON of questions. I don't mind doing that, but it is true that I often find myself as an educator instead of just a mom. I wonder how biological moms would feel if they had to answer some of these questions.

Just thinking outloud ...

100 Comment Vigil

Many kids in foster care feel like they don't have a prayer ... let's change that.

There are more than 400,000 children in the United States foster care system. Each of their stories is different, but in many ways, each of them is alarmingly similar. No matter their story, each and every one desperately needs prayer.

The National Foster Care Prayer Vigil was created to call followers of Christ wherever they are to ask the God of the Universe to do great and mighty things on their behalf. He hears our prayers, and we know He will answer our plea for these precious children and for the people who love and care for them.

The 5th annual National Foster Care Prayer Vigil, is scheduled for May 20-27. The 2012 National Foster Care Prayer Vigil offers followers of Jesus the opportunity to pray for the children, the workers, and the families in our nation's foster care system. Perhaps most importantly, it offers an opportunity for believers to ask God to work in His church on behalf of the children, to change our hearts, and use us in their lives.

I am in the midst of a move across the world so organizing an actual Vigil is not something I can do right now. But I did think it'd be great to organize a virtual Vigil. I am asking that those of you who can take the time to pray for those children in foster care, leave a comment on the blog. Would you leave a comment which includes the place you are located. It can say "Anonymous in California" or "Jamie in Raleigh." Whatever you want. Whatever you like. My goal is to get 100 people to comment that they have prayed.
You can download this prayer guide, but I am also asking that you pray specifically for the following things:

The children

1. Pray that children in the foster care system come to know Jesus as their Lord and savior.
2. Pray that these children experience God's love through the care given to them by all involved in the foster system.
3. Pray that these children would be given a "Forever Family" and that their hearts will be ready for the family they have waiting for them.
4. Pray that sibling groups can stay intact or in contact with each other.
5. Pray that God would heal the deep hurts these children have experienced and protect them from future harm.
6. Pray that the lives of these children will be transformed and that they will be able to forgive those who have wronged them.
7. Pray for the hundreds of thousands of young adults in this country who have "aged out" of the child welfare system. Pray that they can still find a family to forever call theirs through mentors or Godly mentors who can help them navigate life wisely.

The church

1. Pray that God would raise up people to launch ministries for orphans and waiting children.
2. Pray that church leaders would respond to the needs in the foster care system and actively engage these children.
3. Pray that believers would be consumed with compassion for these children and make themselves available for how God wants to use them.

On Becoming a Mother

I love this essay. It perfectly captures the feelings I had when we adopted Isaac. At first, I felt like a fake. Like an outsider. Like an observer. I felt like I was playing house. It didn't feel real. And then, all of a sudden, one day, I had that mother bear feeling. I knew I would protect this child with my life and I loved him like no other. Whoever said blood is thicker than water, never adopted.

By: Clair Houston
Somewhere along the way, between "gotcha" and today, I became her mother. It's hard to say when. The day I first saw her, I was an independent, 44-year-old woman, and she was a cute, 10-month-old, baby girl. Now, when I look at her, I know that I am her mother, and she is my daughter.

After a year-and-a-half and mountains of paperwork, a child was placed in my arms. We were strangers. She was leaving the known world of her foster home, and my husband and I were taking on this unknown baby from an unfamiliar land where Caucasians are rare.

We retreated to our hotel room and began to play house. It felt that strange. We knew four things about her needs: food, diapers, stimulation, and sleep. We began to go through the motions of all four, and, several hours later, collapsed into bed, laughing quietly. She was sound asleep as we remembered the Talking Heads' lyrics, "My God, what have we done!" We weren't confident about our parenting skills, but, somehow, it all worked.

More days of meticulous paperwork ensued—interviews, signatures, passports—to prove that we were who we said we were. My husband and I tag-teamed very well, but still, we felt we were spectators to this little girl.

During the adoption process, you spend a lot of time saying over and over to officials that you want this baby, that you will treat her like gold, and you promise never to abandon her. Then, you finally get the baby, and all the hoops disappear. The reality of this being's presence begins to come into focus. Yet I continued to feel more like a curious observer than a mom.

A loving homecoming at the airport brought friends and family out to celebrate our return to American soil. We entered our house to find balloons, gifts, meals in the fridge, and plenty of good wishes. The baby girl looked around, then smiled. She liked the house that she would soon learn was her new home.

Jet-lagged and sick, I had trouble feeling like I was myself, let alone feeling like a mother. But, slowly, new routines began to emerge at home. My husband and I marveled at her intelligence, at how fast she learned and applied her learning. She laughed. She laughed a lot. We could see that she was a happy girl.

It was delightful to engage with her and get the reward of a baby's belly laugh. She liked to see that she could make us laugh. Days slipped by, and our souls were secretly being woven together.

I saw the first glimpse of this elusive bond about a month after her arrival. Acquaintances stopped by to give her a gift, yet they seemed more attentive to each other than to her. She handed them her favorite toys, and they absently took them and put them down. She played peek-a-boo with them, and they vaguely participated. She looked somber. At first, I didn't think much of it, but, after a while, I noticed a dulling of her eyes.

I swept her up and announced that we had to make dinner. Our guests departed, and I turned my full attention to her. We looked at her toys and our cats, and played peek-a-boo in earnest. We laughed together. Her light quickly returned.

A similar encounter happened the next day, and I felt, deep in my gut, a vow emerging. "I see you, dear girl. I see your light, and you see mine. I will guard and steward that light. Fear not, I won't let them swallow it up."

I was surprised by the fierceness of these feelings. And then I understood: I had become Mom to Evie.

A definitive peacefulness has followed that realization. I am clear about my purpose with this little girl. And I recognize the mother lionness in me. The mysterious bonding thread has formed, and although we are not genetically formed, one from the other, genetic programming has kicked in. I am genetically programmed to take care of this baby human, and she is genetically programmed to bond with me, her mother. All is well with the world, and working perfectly.

Debt and Adoption

I recently stumbled across the following radio interview with financial guru Dave Ramsey. How to Adopt Without Debt. You can read about the interview by clicking here. You can listen to the interview by clicking here.

He is talking to Julie Gumm, author of the book: Adopt Without Debt: Creative Ways to Cover the Cost of Adoption.

I absolutely LOVE Dave Ramsey. He helped my husband I get completely debt free. We are huge fans of Financial Peace and the debt snowball idea. There are many other financial gurus, all with the same basic message: live debt free.

I found this intereview to be right up my alley. I definitely want to get Julie Gumm's book. I do believe that while adoption costs are high, there are a lot of resources and avenues that can be employed to adopt without going into significant debt -- thus one of the reasons we founded Because of Isaac.

Be forewarned. Dave is speaking to people wanting to adopt a child to "help the world." Not people adopting due to childlessness. to adopt a child.

I also did some research on Dave Ramsey's website and found his take on financing infertility treatments or considering adoption. I thought that during these calls, Dave did an incredible job showing compassion and empathy for individuals having to make these difficult decisions.

• A debt before adopt?  Question: Sharon and her husband make $90,000 a year with several thousand dollars in debt. They are considering infertility treatments. What does Dave say about starting a family while in debt?
• Pause the debt snowball for infertility treatments?  Question: Eric in Wisconsin and his wife are down to two debts they’re paying off. They’re approaching their five-year anniversary and want to start a family. They want to consider some fertility treatments making $50,000 a year. Is it okay to pause the debt snowball for this?
• Heart Wrenching Story  Question: Robin is incorporating fertility planning with Dave's financial planning. Insurance pays for most of the fertility planning and they pay their 20% with cash. They have $2,000 left in their fertility budget. She is 39 and feels "under the gun" personally and financially. Dave gives her a disclaimer and offers his best advice.

Petition for Adoption Credit

Would you take a minute to sign this petition requesting that our government extend the tax credit for adoptions?

While the entire system is complex, let me break it down for you below.

Adoption Tax Credit Amounts
2007: $11,390, non-refundable
2008: $11,650, non-refundable
2009: $12,150, non-refundable
2010: $13,170, refundable
2011: $13,360, refundable
2012: $12,650, non-refundable
2013: $5,000, non-refundable

Refundable is better! Isaac's adoption cost us around $15,000. Because Isaac's adoption was refunded in that 2010-2011 window, we received a check for just over $13,000 back from the government.

Non-refundable means that you will not receive a check back from government. If you owe $500, you won't have to pay that. But you won't receive a check for more than what you owe. 

Not only are they eliminating the refundable part of this legislation, but they are dropping the amount by more than half.

The refundable adoption credit allows couples who normally could not afford adoption, to take out a low or no interest loan that they can pay back once their credit comes in.

The average cost to adopt a child is around $25,000. The elimination of this credit, means that a large number of families may not be able to get any of their $25,000 back. This may possibly prevent people from adopting a child at all.

If you don't think this matters to you, it does. Someone is paying to raise the orphans in this country. And that someone is tax payers. Making it more finacially feasible for couples to adopt benefits all of us.

This petition hopes to extend the tax credit as currently stated in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, so that more money is available to families allowing them provide a financially stable home to the adopted child.

Please take a moment to sign this petition. And please take the time to share it with others on your own blog and Facebook account. And if you sign it, would you leave a comment to let me know you did. I like to know that my blog is making even a slight difference in the world of infertility and adoption.

An Adoption Analogy

Deciding to have a baby is like ... planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it is a wonderful place; you've read many guidebooks and feel certain that you're ready to go. Everyone you know has gone there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems that there is no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight.  Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait—and wait—and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, ‘Relax. You'll get on a flight soon.’  After a long time, the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By boat?!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane."  So you go home and you think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than by air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, and some say things like "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea must be so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know you have been blessed with a special appreciation of Australia -- after all the beauty of Australia is not in the way that you get there, but in the place itself.

By Diane Armitage printed in the April 21, 1995 Dear Abby column