On Becoming a Mother

I love this essay. It perfectly captures the feelings I had when we adopted Isaac. At first, I felt like a fake. Like an outsider. Like an observer. I felt like I was playing house. It didn't feel real. And then, all of a sudden, one day, I had that mother bear feeling. I knew I would protect this child with my life and I loved him like no other. Whoever said blood is thicker than water, never adopted.

By: Clair Houston
Somewhere along the way, between "gotcha" and today, I became her mother. It's hard to say when. The day I first saw her, I was an independent, 44-year-old woman, and she was a cute, 10-month-old, baby girl. Now, when I look at her, I know that I am her mother, and she is my daughter.

After a year-and-a-half and mountains of paperwork, a child was placed in my arms. We were strangers. She was leaving the known world of her foster home, and my husband and I were taking on this unknown baby from an unfamiliar land where Caucasians are rare.

We retreated to our hotel room and began to play house. It felt that strange. We knew four things about her needs: food, diapers, stimulation, and sleep. We began to go through the motions of all four, and, several hours later, collapsed into bed, laughing quietly. She was sound asleep as we remembered the Talking Heads' lyrics, "My God, what have we done!" We weren't confident about our parenting skills, but, somehow, it all worked.

More days of meticulous paperwork ensued—interviews, signatures, passports—to prove that we were who we said we were. My husband and I tag-teamed very well, but still, we felt we were spectators to this little girl.

During the adoption process, you spend a lot of time saying over and over to officials that you want this baby, that you will treat her like gold, and you promise never to abandon her. Then, you finally get the baby, and all the hoops disappear. The reality of this being's presence begins to come into focus. Yet I continued to feel more like a curious observer than a mom.

A loving homecoming at the airport brought friends and family out to celebrate our return to American soil. We entered our house to find balloons, gifts, meals in the fridge, and plenty of good wishes. The baby girl looked around, then smiled. She liked the house that she would soon learn was her new home.

Jet-lagged and sick, I had trouble feeling like I was myself, let alone feeling like a mother. But, slowly, new routines began to emerge at home. My husband and I marveled at her intelligence, at how fast she learned and applied her learning. She laughed. She laughed a lot. We could see that she was a happy girl.

It was delightful to engage with her and get the reward of a baby's belly laugh. She liked to see that she could make us laugh. Days slipped by, and our souls were secretly being woven together.

I saw the first glimpse of this elusive bond about a month after her arrival. Acquaintances stopped by to give her a gift, yet they seemed more attentive to each other than to her. She handed them her favorite toys, and they absently took them and put them down. She played peek-a-boo with them, and they vaguely participated. She looked somber. At first, I didn't think much of it, but, after a while, I noticed a dulling of her eyes.

I swept her up and announced that we had to make dinner. Our guests departed, and I turned my full attention to her. We looked at her toys and our cats, and played peek-a-boo in earnest. We laughed together. Her light quickly returned.

A similar encounter happened the next day, and I felt, deep in my gut, a vow emerging. "I see you, dear girl. I see your light, and you see mine. I will guard and steward that light. Fear not, I won't let them swallow it up."

I was surprised by the fierceness of these feelings. And then I understood: I had become Mom to Evie.

A definitive peacefulness has followed that realization. I am clear about my purpose with this little girl. And I recognize the mother lionness in me. The mysterious bonding thread has formed, and although we are not genetically formed, one from the other, genetic programming has kicked in. I am genetically programmed to take care of this baby human, and she is genetically programmed to bond with me, her mother. All is well with the world, and working perfectly.

Debt and Adoption

I recently stumbled across the following radio interview with financial guru Dave Ramsey. How to Adopt Without Debt. You can read about the interview by clicking here. You can listen to the interview by clicking here.

He is talking to Julie Gumm, author of the book: Adopt Without Debt: Creative Ways to Cover the Cost of Adoption.

I absolutely LOVE Dave Ramsey. He helped my husband I get completely debt free. We are huge fans of Financial Peace and the debt snowball idea. There are many other financial gurus, all with the same basic message: live debt free.

I found this intereview to be right up my alley. I definitely want to get Julie Gumm's book. I do believe that while adoption costs are high, there are a lot of resources and avenues that can be employed to adopt without going into significant debt -- thus one of the reasons we founded Because of Isaac.

Be forewarned. Dave is speaking to people wanting to adopt a child to "help the world." Not people adopting due to childlessness. to adopt a child.

I also did some research on Dave Ramsey's website and found his take on financing infertility treatments or considering adoption. I thought that during these calls, Dave did an incredible job showing compassion and empathy for individuals having to make these difficult decisions.

• A debt before adopt?  Question: Sharon and her husband make $90,000 a year with several thousand dollars in debt. They are considering infertility treatments. What does Dave say about starting a family while in debt?
• Pause the debt snowball for infertility treatments?  Question: Eric in Wisconsin and his wife are down to two debts they’re paying off. They’re approaching their five-year anniversary and want to start a family. They want to consider some fertility treatments making $50,000 a year. Is it okay to pause the debt snowball for this?
• Heart Wrenching Story  Question: Robin is incorporating fertility planning with Dave's financial planning. Insurance pays for most of the fertility planning and they pay their 20% with cash. They have $2,000 left in their fertility budget. She is 39 and feels "under the gun" personally and financially. Dave gives her a disclaimer and offers his best advice.

Petition for Adoption Credit

Would you take a minute to sign this petition requesting that our government extend the tax credit for adoptions?

While the entire system is complex, let me break it down for you below.

Adoption Tax Credit Amounts
2007: $11,390, non-refundable
2008: $11,650, non-refundable
2009: $12,150, non-refundable
2010: $13,170, refundable
2011: $13,360, refundable
2012: $12,650, non-refundable
2013: $5,000, non-refundable

Refundable is better! Isaac's adoption cost us around $15,000. Because Isaac's adoption was refunded in that 2010-2011 window, we received a check for just over $13,000 back from the government.

Non-refundable means that you will not receive a check back from government. If you owe $500, you won't have to pay that. But you won't receive a check for more than what you owe. 

Not only are they eliminating the refundable part of this legislation, but they are dropping the amount by more than half.

The refundable adoption credit allows couples who normally could not afford adoption, to take out a low or no interest loan that they can pay back once their credit comes in.

The average cost to adopt a child is around $25,000. The elimination of this credit, means that a large number of families may not be able to get any of their $25,000 back. This may possibly prevent people from adopting a child at all.

If you don't think this matters to you, it does. Someone is paying to raise the orphans in this country. And that someone is tax payers. Making it more finacially feasible for couples to adopt benefits all of us.

This petition hopes to extend the tax credit as currently stated in the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, so that more money is available to families allowing them provide a financially stable home to the adopted child.

Please take a moment to sign this petition. And please take the time to share it with others on your own blog and Facebook account. And if you sign it, would you leave a comment to let me know you did. I like to know that my blog is making even a slight difference in the world of infertility and adoption.

An Adoption Analogy

Deciding to have a baby is like ... planning a trip to Australia. You've heard it is a wonderful place; you've read many guidebooks and feel certain that you're ready to go. Everyone you know has gone there by plane. They say it can be a turbulent flight with occasional rough landings, but you look forward to being pampered on the trip.

So you go to the airport and ask the ticket agent for a ticket to Australia. All around you, excited people are boarding planes for Australia. It seems that there is no seat for you; you'll have to wait for the next flight.  Impatient, but anticipating a wonderful trip, you wait—and wait—and wait.

Flights to Australia continue to come and go. People say silly things like, ‘Relax. You'll get on a flight soon.’  After a long time, the ticket agent tells you, "I'm sorry, we're not going to be able to get you on a plane to Australia. Perhaps you should think about going by boat."

"By boat?!" you say. "Going by boat will take a very long time and it costs a great deal of money. I really had my heart set on going by plane."  So you go home and you think about not going to Australia at all. You wonder if Australia will be as beautiful if you approach it by sea rather than by air. But you have long dreamed of this wonderful place, and finally you decide to travel by boat.

It is a long trip, many months over many rough seas. No one pampers you. You wonder if you will ever see Australia. Meanwhile, your friends have flown back and forth to Australia two or three more times, marveling about each trip.

Then one glorious day, the boat docks in Australia. It is more exquisite than you ever imagined, and the beauty is magnified by your long days at sea. You have made many wonderful friends during your voyage, and you find yourself comparing stories with others who also traveled by sea rather than by air.

People continue to fly to Australia as often as they like, and some say things like "Oh, be glad you didn't fly. My flight was horrible; traveling by sea must be so easy."

You will always wonder what it would have been like to fly to Australia. Still, you know you have been blessed with a special appreciation of Australia -- after all the beauty of Australia is not in the way that you get there, but in the place itself.

By Diane Armitage printed in the April 21, 1995 Dear Abby column

National Adoption Day

TODAY IS NATIONAL ADOPTION DAY

Did you know that there are 129,000 kids that are legally LEGALLY FREE for adoption in our country?! These are children in the fostercare system who are available for adoption not fostering. That means the child is already legally free.

However, each year, nearly 26,000 of these children will turn 18 and leave the foster care system without ever finding a forever family.

We can't help all these children. The question is, could you help one?

This year marks the 10th anniversary of National Adoption Day, a national day of celebration of adoptive families and an opportunity for courts to open their doors and finalize the adoptions of children from foster care. Since 2000, more than 25,000 children have had their adoptions finalized on National Adoption Day. This year on November 21, families, adoption advocates, policymakers, judges and volunteers will come together and celebrate adoption in communities large and small all across the nation.

Nia Vardalos (My Big Fat Greek Wedding) fought infertility for ten years. Then she become a spokesperson for this organization. Watch the video below for more information. It's incredibly encouraging and informational:

While we did not adopt through the foster system, it is something that we hope the Lord will one day allow us to participate in. We have also, as you well know if you have read my blog for any period of time, been incredibly blessed by the gift of adoption. Our lives have been forever changed by one woman's choice and one little boy's life. Here's a picture of us with Isaac on the day his adoption became finalized!

There are a lot of myths and misinformation about adoption. Make sure you educate yourself before you decide that this isn't for you. Make sure you get the facts about this wonderful opportunity.

And if, by any chance, you do choose to adopt because of this blog, PLEASE let me know. It is my hope that this blog can be a place where people learn more about adoption and what a wonderful gift it can be.

Everything to Me

I've recently stumbled upon an article with Christian musician Mark Schultz. He was adopted at two weeks old. You can read his adoption story HERE.

He's written a fantastic song I wanted to share with on the start of "Adoption Awareness Month". Here it is. And the lyrics follow.



I must have felt your tears
When they took me from your arms
I’m sure I must have heard you say goodbye
Lonely and afraid had you made a big mistake
Could an ocean even hold the tears you cried

But you had dreams for me
You wanted the best for me
And you made the only choice you could that night

(Chorus)

You gave life to me
A brand new world to see
Like playing baseball in the yard with dad at night
Mom reading Goodnight Moon
And praying in my room
So if you worry if your choice was right
You gave me up but you gave everything to me

And if I saw you on the street
Would you know that it was me
And would your eyes be blue or green like mine
Would we share a warm embrace
Would you know me in your heart
Or would you smile and let me walk on by
Knowing you had dreams for me
You wanted the best for me
And I hope that you’d be proud of who I am

(Chorus)
You gave life to me
A chance to find my dreams
And a chance to fall in love
You should have seen her shining face
On our wedding day
Oh is this the dream you had in mind
When you gave me up
You gave everything to me

And when I see you there
Watching from heaven’s gates
Into your arms I’m gonna run
And when you look in my eyes
You can see my whole life
See who I was And who I’ve become

(Chorus)

Our May Baby

In the midst of finishing our Dossier from our adoption for China, JB and I received a phone call that would alter the direction of our lives greatly. The post below, which was originally written on October 22, 2007, was the first time I wrote on the blog about our adoption of our son Isaac. Click here to read this post as it originally ran on my Daily Blog.

I have refrained from writing about this on my blog for almost six weeks now.

That refraining is now over. Here's the news I have been wanting to share for so long.

It appears that JB and I will be parents in May.

Now before you go and start asking if we are pregnant, the answer is no. However, our lives were completely rocked about six weeks ago when we were asked to be parents of a baby due to be born in May.

In the next few weeks/months, I will probably write more about the family that has asked this of us. But for now, I will just leave it at that. The reason I have not shared more is that this is something two families are dealing with, and out of respect for that family, I'd like to leave them with their privacy.

I will say that JB and I are amazingly honored, excited, thrilled, terrified, and overwhelmed. We never thought we would adopt domestically or adopt an infant.

I guess God had other plans, and boy are we glad that He did!

The reason I have chosen to write about this now, is that, after talking with JB, I realized that this blog is an outlet for me -- a way to share what is going on in my heart. There has been a lot going on in there that I have not shared. There are now new developments, and it is becoming increasingly difficult to blog without blogging about this topic. Since I am very honest and open on this blog, I am sure you can understand this.

We were okay with waiting to share, until this week, when there were some new developments that have caused some need for prayer and have provided me with some angst. And I wanted to share that with those of you who read this blog. Many of you pray for us faithfully, and I want to ask for that prayer.

So let me explain the developments.

When we were approached about becoming in parents in May, JB and I took the time to think and pray about this. We quickly knew two things:

(1) We wanted to adopt this baby.
(2) We still wanted to adopt our China baby.

We immediately contacted our adoption agency (America World). The rule had been that any concurrent adoption or pregnancy would require the China adoption to be halted. This seemed difficult to imagine since the wait was already so long. Unbeknownst to us, America World was, that same week, updating their policy to allow for people to proceed with another adoption or pregnancy as long as the children would enter the home at least 12 months apart. This was great news to us! If we adopted this baby in May, with the wait times as they are, it would be another 18 months (at least) before our China baby came home.

This all occurred right before our home study. We began working with a lawyer in Florida in regards to our domestic adoption. He was pretty confident we could use this home study for both adoptions. We still aren't sure if this is accurate or not but are hoping that we can. We decided to proceed with the home study in the hopes that it could be used for at least one of the adoptions and hopefully both.

A few days after the home study was completed, we got word from America World that yes, in fact, they would allow us to proceed with both adoptions at the same time! We were ecstatic! Nothing could be sweeter than to be able to adopt this baby in May and move forward with the China adoption at the same time.

I say all that to say that this week, our agency contacted us again. They are not sure that China will support their new policy. We, of course, think this is absurd. The wait for China is over two years!!! By the time our China adoption went through, this baby would be over a year and a half old.

However, for now, all we can do is wait while America World hashes things out with the CCAA (China Center for Adoption Affairs). If China does not allow us to do both, we will most likely have to halt the China adoption for approximately 12-18 months -- until our "May baby" is a certain age (6 months or 1 year -- I am not sure.)

Here's what we do know:

(1) We are ecstatic to adopt this baby in May.
(2) We will proceed with the May adoption no matter what.
(3) We will proceed with the China adoption no matter what; however, we pray that there does not have to be a "delay" in this adoption.

Here's what we are asking you to pray for:

(1) The family of our "May baby" -- especially the birth mom.
(2) Health for our "May baby".
(3) That our China baby comes to us in the timing the Lord has in mind. He knows who she is so if that means waiting longer for her, we will wait. (But we don't want to!)

I will be sharing more with you in the weeks and months to come I am sure. We do plan to find out the sex of our May baby.

This post has been fairly matter-of-fact. That's the best way we know how to approach all this right now. A lot can change between now and this baby's birth date. We are unbelievably blessed that this birth mom has asked us, when we weren't even asking to be picked. We are unbelievably blessed that we may be parents in a mere seven months! We are very excited. However, we are, as we describe it "guardedly excited" -- protecting our hearts during this long wait.

I am glad to finally, allow you all to share this long wait with us.